Anniversary Gifts for That Special Someone

We have now reached the point in our lives in which Bob has put up with my shit for over half of his life.  It’s like he truly does love me.  I should give him a medal or something.  Or at least a gift.  Sonofa….

I didn’t get him a gift.

Our anniversary passed on by and I didn’t buy him a gift.

In my defense, we never give each other anniversary gifts. We have a trifecta (Christmas, his birthday, and anniversary) all in a two-week period.  Who in the hell does that?  The queen of poor planning does, that’s who.

We have a tradition that we started way back in the “holy crap we are broke” days.  This tradition has never been broken.  Until now.

This year he broke the no-gift tradition.  He broke the damn tradition and he bought me an amazing gift.

I didn’t get him a gift.

I am an asshole.

I need to fix this.  I mean, he bought me jewelry.  JEWELRY.

This is very serious.  I need a gift.  Maybe a gift basket.

I took my problem to Amazon (because Prime has saved my life) and here are some of the items I’ve been debating.  I present to you, my dear readers, my first ever horrible anniversary gift guide.

Anniversary Gifts for That Special Someone

1. Subtle Butt: disposable gas neutralizers (5 saving graces):

  • In a nutshell…Subtle Butt absorbs and neutralizes odor from flatulence. Yes, our fart filters really work! Does your loved one have smelly gas? Is the passenger in 12C stinking up the plane with his altitooties? Is the dog getting a lot of blame?
  • Take the bad part out of the fart with Subtle Butt fart pads. We combined activated carbon, fabric, and adhesive to create the most effective fart pad on the market.
  • Each pack of 5 Subtle Butt fart pads effectively filters the odor caused by flatulence.
  • Simply stick one in the right place and you’re ready for a chili cook-off or an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet. Giving Subtle Butt as a stocking stuffer is a great gift idea for your spouse, boyfriend or co-worker with smelly farts.

This is number one on my list for a reason.

Subtle Butt

2.  Undies For Two

Because who doesn’t need underwear with FOUR leg holes?  Sharing underwear, especially the same pair at the same time, is truly a sign of a strong marriage.  Getting in them is half the fun!

Undies for Two

3. Willy Warmer

It gets cold when you are working outside in the Kansas winter.  Avoiding significant shrinkage is imperative.

The Willy Warmer

4. Accoutrements Emergency Underpants Dispenser

There comes a time when a man is too far from home during desperate times.  Always be prepared.

Spare Underpants

5. What’s Your Poo Telling You?

Because we take our health seriously.

With universal appeal (everyone poops, after all), this witty, illustrated description of over two dozen dookies (each with a medical explanation written by a doctor) details what one can learn about health and well-being by studying what’s in the bowl.

What's Your Poo Telling You?

6. The Good Wife Guide: 19 Rules for Keeping a Happy Husband

When he returns home from his demanding job, a man rightfully deserves a bit of pampering. A happy smile, a warm kiss, and a pair of cozy slippers are just the start. Here are all the secrets for helping him feel comfortable and content: advice on cooking from scratch, the lowdown on why a clean home makes hubby feel better, and valuable hints on making yourself more attractive to him.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.   I don’t think so.  No need to give them unrealistic expectations that are destined to end in massive disappointment.

The Good Wife Guide

7. Ring for Sex Handbell

Please refer to my description for The Good Wife Guide.

Sex Bell

8. Weener Kleener Soap

Personal hygiene is always important, and like the package (I said package) says:  Large or small or inbetweener, nothing beats a cleaner Weener!

Weener Kleener Soap

9. EZ DRINKER 6 Pack Redneck Beer and Soda Can Holster Belt, Camo Camouflage Design

You never know when you might get stranded somewhere, always be prepared.  *Beer sold separately*

Beer Holster

10. The Bobcat Headband with Hair Mullet

  • Get your life back
  • Full time lady gettin’ mullet headband to wear on a part time basis

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.  For increased odds for a little action, wear with the EZ Drinker.

^^^NOT Farmer Bob

Maybe I should keep shopping????

 

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Comments

comments

Comments

  1. OMG, HILARIOUS!! Thanks for giving me today’s laugh. <3

  2. That is too funny! Great way to start my day :D

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