My friend Ninja Mom asked me to jump on the Character Assassination Carousel. I thought about it for about two seconds and quickly agreed. Well, I agreed to give it a shot but I get motion sickness so I won’t actually jump ON the carousel. Hell, I can’t even watch it go around and around without having to suppress the urge to revisit my lunch. If you don’t mind, I’ll just sit here in my recliner while you all go around and around and around.
It was after I agreed to this that I started to poo my pants. What book will I choose? Can I really take apart a beloved children’s book? What if the people (AKA, YOU) hate me afterwards? What book will I choose? How in the frickity-frack am I going to do this without looking like a total toad? So like any sub-par writer would do, I went looking for
things I could borrow inspiration from some past riders/writers on the carousel. I read Frugalista Blog’s assassination of Rumplestiltskin, The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess’ deconstruction of Walter the Farting Dog, and of course I had to go back to the very beginning and read Ninja Mom’s own take on The Giving Tree. Well shit, that was a huge mistake. Not because I don’t love them all, but now I realize that there are so many great bloggers that went before me and blew it out of the water and now here I sit feeling the pressure. Oops, sorry. Excuse me, that one slipped. Pressure makes me gassy. *Deep breath, you can do this* Alright, here we go, jump aboard the Character Assassination Carousel kids, I’ll watch you from over here while sipping my drink.
After some serious combing through the littles’ bookcases (yes, that is plural because just one bookcase would not suffice), I decided to go with the one book that drives me crazy. The one book that I love to hate. The one book that really makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. I think it is time for “There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly” to bite off more than she can chew. When I made this decision, I immediately went to Amazon to read the reviews. I thought surely someone else on the planet had a deep-seeded hatred for this book. Nope. Every review I read was about how much they LOVED this book and WONDERFUL it is to read to their kids. Crap. I’m in the minority….again. Par for the course I guess. Let me just fill you in on exactly WHY I would love to bury this poor woman in a really big box.
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she’ll die
Does anyone really know why they swallowed a fly? I suppose some people in the jungle, or contestants on Survivor, may eat them for a snack, but I have really been trying to cut back on my fly intake. I’m sure they are high in protein or something, but I’m not a big fan of wings and legs and those creepy little eyes that they have. Not to mention I don’t imagine that they are very filling. Wait just one minute… Eating flies could KILL me? Guess I better adjust our summer menu. Bummer, flies are so cost-effective. Dime a dozen round here thanks to the cows and their poo.There was an old lady who swallowed a spider that wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she’ll die.
Um…yeah. You lost me at spider and wriggling inside her. That’s just gross and repulsive and wrong and did I say gross? I know the average person eats a spider at least once in their lifetime, but at least that occurs without our knowledge. Why would anyone in their right mind knowingly eat a damn spider? Who gives a flying rip about the stupid little fly that you just ate, they don’t live that long anyway, but a SPIDER? ARE YOU NUTS?
Next she eats a bird in order to catch the spider. Well, if she wouldn’t have been off her rocker to begin with and eaten a nasty ass spider, she wouldn’t need to be eating a bird now would she? I’m all for eating a little yard-bird. Fried up with some mashed potatoes and gravy, but this crazy lady is eating a whole bird. Legs, feathers, beak and all. How in the hell is she doing this? Does she have a jaw like a snake? Is she a sword swallower? My gag meter is on high alert. This is just redonk-a-donk.
As if a fly, spider, and a bird aren’t filling enough the old woman decides that she needs to eat a cat. A freaking CAT. What they forgot to mention is that immediately after eating said cat, the old woman had to be rushed to the ER to have a ginormous hairball removed from her esophagus. A cat. This is the dumbest book ever. But wait…there’s more!
After the hairball removal, the woman regains her appetite and resorts to eating a dog. It doesn’t specify the size of the dog, but does it really matter? Who in the hell eats a dog? As if there is room enough in her gut for the dog to chase the cat. I want to know how in the hell this woman isn’t dead yet. The fly and the spider I can see. They are small and easily swallowed. A whole bird, followed by a whole cat with a dog chaser? This lady is a freak of nature and has got to have the worst case of indigestion on the planet.
Just when you think it can’t get any worse, the woman swallows a cow. Not a steak, not a juicy hamburger, not a little bit of stew meat. A whole cow. I know many people don’t like to waste any part of the animal, but seriously. I can barely eat an entire steak on my own yet this old woman ingests an entire cow without even chewing it. Not even an inkling of steak sauce or ketchup first. Does she die from this? Of course not. Here are my issues with this: 1. Cows don’t eat dogs, they eat grass and grains. Herbivores, not carnivores. Very poor judgement on part of our dear old lady. 2. A WHOLE COW? This is just asinine.
Let’s not forget the piece de resistance…a horse. She swallows a horse to catch the cow. As if she shouldn’t already be dead from intestinal over-extension, she swallows an entire horse. This just in…eating an entire horse will kill you. I could buy into death by getting thrown from a horse, or being caught in a wild horse stampede, or even death by hoof to the forehead, but eating an entire horse? Cheese and rice this is has got to be the most overrated book in my bookcase.
I get that these books are for entertainment purposes, but this is just over the top for me. “Mommy, you can’t really eat a horse.” No kids, you can’t. That’s why dear granny is dead. Moral of this story? I really don’t have a damn clue. Don’t eat yourself to death? Don’t get started eating bugs because it only leads to bigger things? If you are going to eat large animals whole make sure to wear a tacky dress? That’s the best I got. Go away Granny, you are dead.
Thanks to Ninja Mom for letting me play along. I hope you enjoyed this spin on the Carousel and will share me with all of your friends. You never know, you may just find that we all share a mutual disdain for this adored children’s book. Don’t miss the next ride on the Carousel when the always hilarious Kelley’s Breakroom assassinates yet another beloved character.