Are You REALLY Gonna Eat That?

My friend Ninja Mom asked me to jump on the Character Assassination Carousel.  I thought about it for about two seconds and quickly agreed. Well, I agreed to give it a shot but I get motion sickness so I won’t actually jump ON the carousel.  Hell, I can’t even watch it go around and around without having to suppress the urge to revisit my lunch.  If you don’t mind, I’ll just sit here in my recliner while you all go around and around and around.

It was after I agreed to this that I started to poo my pants.  What book will I choose?  Can I really take apart a beloved children’s book?  What if the people (AKA, YOU)  hate me afterwards?  What book will I choose?  How in the frickity-frack am I going to do this without looking like a total toad?  So like any sub-par writer would do, I went looking for things I could borrow inspiration from some past riders/writers on the carousel.  I read Frugalista Blog’s assassination of Rumplestiltskin,  The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess’ deconstruction of Walter the Farting Dog,  and of course I had to go back to the very beginning and read Ninja Mom’s own take on The Giving Tree.   Well shit, that was a huge mistake.  Not because I don’t love them all, but now I realize that there are so many great bloggers that went before me and blew it out of the water and now here I sit feeling the pressure.  Oops, sorry.  Excuse me, that one slipped.  Pressure makes me gassy.  *Deep breath, you can do this*    Alright, here we go,  jump aboard the Character Assassination Carousel kids, I’ll watch you from over here while sipping my drink.

After some serious combing through the littles’ bookcases (yes, that is plural because just one bookcase would not suffice), I decided to go with the one book that drives me crazy.  The one book that I love to hate.  The one book that really makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.  I think it is time for “There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly” to bite off more than she can chew.    When I made this decision, I immediately went to Amazon to read the reviews.  I thought surely someone else on the planet had a deep-seeded hatred for this book.  Nope.  Every review I read was about how much they LOVED this book and WONDERFUL it is to read to their kids.  Crap.  I’m in the minority….again.  Par for the course I guess.  Let me  just fill you in on exactly WHY I would love to bury this poor woman in a really big box.

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Nice dress Granny.

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she’ll die

Does anyone really know why they swallowed a fly?  I suppose some people in the jungle, or contestants on Survivor,  may eat them for a snack, but I have really been trying to cut back on my fly intake.  I’m sure they are high in protein or something, but I’m not a big fan of wings and legs  and those creepy little eyes that they have.  Not to mention I don’t imagine that they are very filling.  Wait just one minute… Eating flies could KILL me? Guess I better adjust our summer menu. Bummer, flies are so cost-effective.  Dime a dozen round here thanks to the cows and their poo.

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider that wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her.  She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.  I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she’ll die.

 Um…yeah.  You lost me at spider and wriggling inside her.  That’s just gross and repulsive and wrong and did I say gross?  I know the average person eats a spider at least once in their lifetime,  but at least that occurs without our knowledge.  Why would anyone in their right mind knowingly eat a damn spider?  Who gives a flying rip about the stupid little fly that you just ate, they don’t live that long anyway, but a SPIDER?  ARE YOU NUTS?

Next she eats a bird in order to catch the spider.  Well, if she wouldn’t have been off her rocker to begin with and eaten a nasty ass spider, she wouldn’t need to be eating a bird now would she?  I’m all for eating a little yard-bird.  Fried up with some mashed potatoes and gravy, but this crazy lady is eating a whole bird.  Legs, feathers, beak and all.    How in the hell is she doing this?  Does she have a jaw like a snake?  Is she a sword swallower?  My gag meter is on high alert.  This is just redonk-a-donk.

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See the foreshadowing? Can you guess what is up next?

As if a fly, spider, and a bird aren’t filling enough the old woman decides that she needs to eat a cat.  A freaking CAT.  What they forgot to mention is that immediately after eating said cat, the old woman had to be rushed to the ER to have a ginormous hairball removed from her esophagus.  A cat.  This is the dumbest book ever.  But wait…there’s more!

After the hairball removal, the woman regains her appetite and resorts to eating a dog.  It doesn’t specify the size of the dog, but does it really matter?  Who in the hell eats a dog?  As if there is room enough in her gut for the dog to chase the cat.  I want to know how in the hell this woman isn’t dead yet.  The fly and the spider I can see.  They are small and easily swallowed.  A whole bird, followed by a whole cat with a dog chaser?  This lady is a freak of nature and has got to have the worst case of indigestion on the planet.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, the woman swallows a cow.  Not a steak, not a juicy hamburger, not a little bit of stew meat.  A whole cow.  I know many people don’t like to waste any part of the animal, but seriously.  I can barely eat an entire steak on my own yet this old woman ingests an entire cow without even chewing it.  Not even an inkling of steak sauce or ketchup first.  Does she die from this?  Of course not.  Here are my issues with this: 1.  Cows don’t eat dogs, they eat grass and grains.  Herbivores, not carnivores. Very poor judgement on part of our dear old lady.  2.  A WHOLE COW?  This is just asinine.

Let’s not forget the piece de resistance…a horse.  She swallows a horse to catch the cow.  As if she shouldn’t already be dead from intestinal over-extension, she swallows an entire horse.   This just in…eating an entire horse will kill you.  I could buy into death by getting thrown from a horse, or being caught in a wild horse stampede, or even death by hoof to the forehead, but eating an entire horse? Cheese and rice this is has got to be the most overrated book in my bookcase.

 I get that these books are for entertainment purposes, but this is just over the top for me.  ”Mommy, you can’t really eat a horse.”  No kids, you can’t.  That’s why dear granny is dead.  Moral of this story?  I really don’t have a damn clue.  Don’t eat yourself to death?  Don’t get started eating bugs because it only leads to bigger things?  If you are going to eat large animals whole make sure to wear a tacky dress?   That’s the best I got.  Go away Granny, you are dead.

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I suppose she looks happy. I would think she would be a tad uncomfortable.

Thanks to Ninja Mom for letting me play along.  I hope you enjoyed this spin on the Carousel and will share me with all of your friends.  You never know, you may just find that we all share a mutual disdain for this adored children’s book.  Don’t miss the next ride on the Carousel when the always hilarious Kelley’s Breakroom assassinates yet another beloved character.

 

 

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Go home Granny! You are drunk on horse meat! Ptooooey! Overeating at its finest! Nice assassination girlfriend – you know Granny had it coming to her! What a glutton! Great laugh! xo

  2. Wow, I have never actually read this book but just- wow. And reading perhaps she’ll die over and over- that’s great for the kids to hear, right???? BUt you’re right, so does look so happy in her oblivion!
    sparkling74 recently posted…Well, Look What the Storm Dragged InMy Profile

  3. I used to use this book when I taught music. I’d sing it to the kindergarten and they thought it was hilariously silly…until the end. She dies????????? Then one kid mentioned how gross her poop would be. Aaaaand….chaos. Thanks. :-)
    Meredith recently posted…I Can’t WaitMy Profile

  4. Excellent post!! LOVE your take on this book!
    Teri recently posted…Sharing some of my co-authors with you…My Profile

  5. Great post…agree, stupid book!

  6. You’re really showcasing the logic you’ve developed being around animals all the time in this piece and I’m very glad to learn that if I wanna eat that horse I’ve had my eye on down at the ranch, I’m gonna need to get myself a MUCH tackier dress.
    Also, what better way to end this CAC than with “Go away Granny, you are dead.”?
    I love you more than flies, spiders, cats, dogs, cows and horses combined.
    Toulouse recently posted…5 Perfect Punishments for Slapping Someone Else’s Child.My Profile

  7. hahaha, this was awesome! I’ve always hated that book too! nice job on taking the ol’ Granny down a notch!
    The Next Step recently posted…Carry a Spare PairMy Profile

  8. Have not read the book, and perhaps, now I never will! Your posts really lift up my spirit. I am gonna take it straight to my blog :)

    Thanks!

  9. This book is the stuff of my nightmares. I am so squeamish when it comes to regular food. I can’t even imagine!
    Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted…Nine Lessons I WANT My Kids to Learn From SpongeBobMy Profile

  10. HA HA HA!!! I, too, despise this story…mostly for the repeating OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, thus making bedtime take 3 million years! This is great! :)
    thedoseofreality recently posted…Who’s That Crazy Faced Baby?My Profile

  11. Ha! Somehow we’ve managed to avoid bringing this treasure into our house–sounds like we should keep it that way. Man, I thought I had diet problems…
    Meredith recently posted…10 Bonuses to Hauling the Kids with You to the Doctor’s OfficeMy Profile

  12. I had completely forgotten about this uh gem! Also, to the person who commented that they had to sing it? Cannot.Even.Imagine.
    Anna recently posted…My son and I should take our comedy show on the road. Seriously.My Profile

  13. Hahaha very funny :D

  14. If you think that’s a lousy one, try the other ones…The Old Woman Who Swallowed Some Snow, some leaves, a bell. That lady will eat anything. Honestly. Enough already.
    Lucy Ball (@LucyBall15) recently posted…Je Vous Aime, Mon AngeMy Profile

  15. I ate a spider once. I actually ate two, i think. It was at camp and they taught us to forage and shit, and we took all the legs (but one) off of daddy-long legs and ate the bodies. You leave one leg so you can eat it like a cherry. They taste like mint. Like god-damn chewing gum. I swear this is all true. I am now wondering WTF the people running this camp were thinking! Now that I type it out, it does seem a bit weird.
    Starle recently posted…My ‘experience’ with a posh Brit. (subtitled; Giraffe and pots and pans. sigh.)My Profile

  16. I always hated that book and you seem to have the super creepily illustrated edition. Wait, my bad, that is all of the editions. But thanks for highlighting that the cow was sent in to get the dog. Really? A cow can’t catch anything except a ride to the slaughter house. Ellen
    Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms recently posted…Pintershit: Buyer Be DumbMy Profile

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