Facebook Would Have Been Totally Tubular in the 80’s

Our poor kids.  We Facebook them, we Instagram them, we Twitter them.  Pictures of them with food up their nose or watching television in their underroos. Birthdays, concerts, school plays, holidays.  Picking their noses, picking their butts, picking their friends’ butts.  Every. Embarrassing. Moment.

I was thinking about what Facebook would have been like in the 80’s and then I actually had a thought, why not see what it would have been like? Then I birthed this blog baby and remembered that the 80’s were pretty damn rad.

Technology.  Irritating parents even in the 80’s.

YKIHAYHT

I swear I don’t dress like this any more. Not every day.

80’s fashion for. the. win.

The Fordeville Diaries

With outfits like this, you can’t help but follow The Fordeville Diaries on Facebook

#overachiever #humblebrag #swatchesarecoolerthanziggy

You can talk all things Ziggy and Swatch with People I Want to Punch in the Throat on Facebook.

Would they have talked so freely about wine?  Maybe if they had a Virginia Slim to go with it.

If you follow Frugie on the Facebook, she promises to share her Lip Smacker with you.

If you follow Frugie on the Facebook, she promises to share her Lip Smacker with you.

Oh Jake.

If moms would have had Facebook in the 80's

If you follow Baby Sideburns on the Facebook, maybe she’ll quit dreaming of Jake Ryan.

Ummmm….errrrrr…..

NapsHappen

Follow Naps Happen on Facebook and I promise she’ll never wear her leotard again.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.

Toulouse and Tonic

This kind of bravery from Toulouse and Tonic deserves a follow on the Facebook. Just look at that happy face.

Le Scandelo!

If moms had Facebook in the 80's

Maybe Abby wouldn’t have as many issues if you would just follow her on Facebook already.

So. Much. Hairspray.

If moms had Facebook in the 80's

I promise to take away DG’s hairspray if you give her a follow on the Facebook.

Ahhhhhhhh…..motherly love and dedication.

Hollow Tree Ventures 1

With a face like that, how can you NOT follow Hollow Tree Ventures on Facebook?

At least she didn’t put the banana in your tailpipe.

If moms had Facebook in the 80's

Maybe Susan will eat her bananas if you follow her on Facebook.

 

 

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Regular Guys are Sexy

In old news, Adam Levine has been named the “sexiest man alive” by People Magazine.    Because I have nothing better to do <sarcasm font>, I had a few thoughts and came up with an idea:

1.  I’m hungry.  Maybe that is because while I do find Adam delightful (so don’t you dare  go off sending me hate mail), I feel as if I should offer him a cheeseburger or something to fatten him up a bit.

2.  I really need to go get that new tattoo that I’ve been wanting.

3.  I understand that they have to give other guys a chance, but um HELLO???? WHERE IS JOHNNY DEPP?

4.  What constitutes “sexy”?  Sure Adam is easy on the eyes, but how do we know he isn’t a total prick?  (I’m sure he isn’t, but since I’ve never met him I cannot say for sure either way).  What about Johnny Farmer Bob?  No one showed up here to measure Bob’s level of sexiness.   Does Bob not make the list because he isn’t a guy with millions of adoring fans or have millions of dollars?  I see that Bob is at a massive disadvantage here.

5.  I’m still hurt over the Johnny thing.  I mean come ON.

6.  Who decides these things and why was I not consulted?

7.  WHAT ABOUT BOB?

I say it is time.  Time to show that our regular guys are sexy too.

Damn it, celebrities aren’t the only sexy men.  Our “regular” guys can compete with the likes of Adam, Idris, Jimmy, Luke, and of course Johnny. They CAN fortheloveoftatersandgravy!  After all, we married them/live with them/made babies with them/share a dog with them/haven’t killed them in their sleep to make the snoring stop so we must see something incredibly sexy about them.

While it is common practice to consider one “sexy” just based on what our eyes see <ahem, Johnny>, is that truly what makes them attractive?   Did you choose your husband/boyfriend just based on their looks?  Doubtful.  You chose him for his heart.  For the father you imagined him to be.  For the man you saw in him.  And yes, of course you chose him because his looks made your heart go all a-flutter.

That’s right ladies and gents, I want to see your sexy men.  I don’t just want to SEE them though, I want to know what makes them sexy.  What about him gets you all hot and bothered?  Don’t be shy, this is your chance to show off your man.  Follow closely my friends, there are rules and I need you to follow some directions. There may be a test.  Let’s start with some examples:

From my friend The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess:

DG’s husband, also known as the Greek God Adonis is sexy because he is able to laugh along with her daily at the basic, every day events in their family, he’s kind, generous and has a steady base that she can lean on. He comes home and immediately starts entertaining the kids while she gets dinner ready and is right there to help clean up and get the kids ready for baths. When he’s not working, he spends his extra time building Legos , fighting in epic light saber battles, and coaching the boys’ lacrosse team. He doesn’t mind getting up in the middle of the night to be there for the kids, he makes a mean breakfast, and he can fix anything that needs fixin’. He loves to play on his over 40 league lacrosse team called the Rusty Bones where, in each game, he demonstrates exactly why it is called that. He is even sexy when icing knee injuries and other bruises from playing like he’s still in high school. The sexiest thing of all is the way he loves his family with all his might and supports, encourages and cheers on everyone in his life.

DG

Mr. DG appears courtesy of DG

From my incredible friend Craughing:

The sexiest thing about The Fixer is his confidence in being a man. In a world overwhelmed with technology, money and being fake The Fixer shows his heart easily and with confidence. He is not overly concerned with looking tough and has somehow learned the perfect balance of being strong and sensitive. Somewhere along the way in his life, he learned that in order to be a man being open and loving is necessary and masculine. He is not afraid to try new things, admit when he is wrong, or show the world love and compassion. He strives to be a better person every day, and to make those he loves know they are adored. He also has a wicked sense of humor and laughs easily. Overall, his confidence in himself is what makes him the sexiest man I have known, that and he loves me well.

Craughing

The Fixer appears courtesy of Craughing Girl

I Want a Dumpster Baby thinks Dumpster Husband is sexy too, here are her thoughts:

What makes my husband sexy? Simple. He makes me laugh harder than anybody I’ve ever known. That’s the sexiest thing ever. That, and he has a great ass.

DH appears courtesy of IWADB

DH appears courtesy of IWADB

From the beautiful Blissfully Discontented:

Ordering dessert even though I said I didn’t want any, asks for two forks, and turns it toward me for the first bite…at the risk of losing it all to my ravenous sweet tooth.
His ability to laugh at himself…and see the funny in just about anything.  If I didn’t have him to make me laugh I know for a fact I would get sucked into my depressive oblivion as I’m known to do.  Also…he can quote stupid-funny movies like a mofo.  This is what first attracted me to him.  Hand to God.
He doesn’t always get why I need certain things in my life…like my need for sunshine and the shoreline.  But he gets ME.  He knows I operate on a solar-powered battery.  And although having his feet in the sand does absolutely nothing for him he knows the impact it has on me.  He holds my hand and walks countless miles up and down the beach.  He sits with me facing the tide for hours on end.  And he does it with a smile.  Means more to me than any jewelry in a fancy little box could every provide.
Most importantly, he is an excellent dad.  You can see the admiration and love in our kids’ eyes when they look at him.  He is firm but loving.  Silly but focused.  Even when life gets hard and work is overwhelming he puts it all aside and remembers what is important.  Aside from his ability to quote Chevy Chase or Adam Sandler…his ability to connect with kids is what truly attracted me to him.  When we first met we were camp counselors for a summer camp.  The way he interacted with his campers…I knew he was a catch then. I wanted to watch him grow into the man and father I knew he would one day become.  I thank God that he picked me to share this life and these babies with him.
The Gentleman appears courtesy of Bliss Dis

The Gentleman appears courtesy of Bliss Dis

And finally, here is what makes Farmer Bob sexy.  That’s right my friends, you finally get to see Bob.  Here is what makes him even sexier than Johnny:

Being an amazing father is what does it for me.  The way he isn’t afraid to show them his silly side, or his sensitive side, or his angry side.  The way he shows them every single day that he loves them whether it be playing a game of football in the front yard, helping them with homework, or showing them how to put a part on a tractor.  Throw in his never-ending support for me and my goals as a mother and as a woman/writer/person, it’s a wonder we don’t have more kids.  He puts up with me when I’m grumpy, when I’m being redonkulous, and when I’m being over-the-top silly.  He builds my confidence and reminds me that I am beautiful even when I disagree.  He makes me smile when he walks in the room and cheese on a cracker this man deserves a peace prize or something. Thankfully he settles for cookies instead.

Yes, that's really him. <3

Yes, that’s really him. <3

So here is the challenge, think about your man.  Really think.  Write down what makes him so irresistible to you.  What are the qualities that you see in him that maybe he doesn’t see in himself?  What makes him sexy as hell?

Once you have it nailed down (not your husband, your words)  I want to read them and I want to see your man.  Post a picture (keep it clean, the kiddies are watching) along with your words on my Facebook page or share it with me on Instagram (tag me @YKIHAYHT and use #mysexyman). I will give you until December 11 and then  I will assemble all the photos into a Facebook album for all to see and if the response is overwhelmingly positive, we will see where to go from there! <looking for some sponsors for some manly prizes maybe?  HINT, HINT>

Now don’t be shy, let us CELEBRATE our amazing men because the “regular” guys are sexy too!

*Stay tuned ladies and gentlemen, depending on the success (or utter failure) of this experiment you will (hopefully) have your turn to return the favor for your lady in the near future.*

 

 

Have You Laughed Today?

We need more funny.   There are just too many negative, heart wrenching, horrible, tragic, craptastic things that really screw up a good day.  I find the best way to combat the uglies is to laugh.  Not just ha ha, but a HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA kind of laugh.  The kind of laugh that makes you lose control of your bodily functions.  Don’t say you don’t know what I’m talking about because you’ve all farted while having a good laugh.  Maybe you’ve peed.  There is always the possibility that you’ve done both at the same time.   I’m not speaking from experience, I’ve just heard stories .

In an effort to bring more laughter to my very small and minute corner of the interwebs, allow me to deliver to you some funny.  If you get through this and you don’t laugh at least once, even just a snicker or a smirk, then I will be truly be worried about you.

Have You Laughed Today?

Before we get into this too deep, you must take the pledge.  That’s right, I’m making you take a pledge.  Now repeat after me:

I <say your name here> (and I really mean say YOUR name.  SAY IT!) promise to laugh at least once during this post.  If I don’t smile or giggle even once I promise to remove the proverbial stick from my ass and read it again.  If I still don’t find it funny,  I promise not to be a spreader of internet herpes and I will just move along.  I also promise to be an ambassador of funny and will make it my goal to make one other person on this planet laugh today.  If I cannot make it happen today, I will try even harder to make it happen tomorrow.  I make this pledge and promise to myself because having a kick-ass sense of humor is so much better than being an asshole.

OK…Now that the technicalities are out of the way, let us begin.

The other night I saw a commercial for Casey’s pizza.  I swear at the end it says “penis for pizza”.  Since I possess the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy this makes me giggle.  I then had to ask my Facebook friends for words that make them giggle.  If you can make it through this list of words without laughing once, you may be too mature.  Try it:

Dictator, flatulence, scrotum, doodoo, poop, balls, sack, super duty, Uranus, tits, penetration, lubrication, thrust, erector, weiner, poppycock, tallywackers, vagina, jackwagon, underwear,  lake titicaca, farts, annnnnd….dooky.

I lose it at dictator, but again I am immature.

You all know that as parents/grandparents/guardians of kids (both of the human and furry varieties) we find the most random crap around the house.  I also took this to the Facebook just to see if the level of nasty around my house is equivalent to those of my friends. For those of you wondering what I meant when I said that I find “saucy underwear”, just think of a kid who over-trusted a fart.  I guarantee you will laugh at the responses to this post:

 

Laughing yet?  NO????  Surely you’ve laughed at least once so far???  If not keep reading because I have some pretty funny friends.

 

Why don’t you try this from my friend Kerry at House Talk’N.  She is determined to bring back the dickie <giggle, she said dickie>.  Watch this vlog and try not to snicker every time they say “dickie”.

 

If you are feeling like a terrible parent thanks to Pinterest, you can always check out this post by Nicole Leigh Shaw on Nick Mom and know that you aren’t alone.

Need help figuring out if you can be friends with the other moms?  Have them answer this short questionnaire devised by Kim on In the Powder Room (who I now know is destined to be my sister-wife)

Surely you’ve seen this video that has been all over the interwebs.  It had Farmer Bob laughing so it must be funny:

Are you laughing yet?  You better be because laughter kicks ass.

No?  Here’s my last offer.  If you can read this (and you MUST listen to the clip at the end) from my very dear friend Katy and you don’t at least smile…you have issues.

Now go, complete your mission and make someone else laugh.

 

Find What Fills Your Soul

Last week I asked my Facebook friends to ask me questions.  Any question. I promised to answer them completely and honestly, and being a woman of my word, I did.  All except one.  It wasn’t because I didn’t like the question, it was because the timing of it was more than I could ignore.   The weird thing here is that it isn’t an earth-shattering, thought-provoking question, but something about it sent my brain into overload and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.  Today, I answer the question.  I can’t ignore it anymore.  It comes from my dear friend Mary Tyler Mom, and when she asks you better be answering.  Not that she is threatening or anything, but damn…she’s Mary Tyler Mom.  Anywho, dear  MTM asked me “How did you start writing”.  See, nothing over the top.  Not like she asked me to reveal my kids’ real names, or to give out my address.  What’s so damn hard about that question?  The problem is that not only did I interpret it as “how”, but I of course had to put more into it and ask myself “why”.  Why do I write?

I suppose the “how” part is easy.  The smartass in me says, one day I picked up a pencil and grabbed a piece of paper (remember those days?) and started writing words.  In college I progressed up to computers and being a History major, there was never a shortage of papers and late nights.  After college, I quit writing.  I can’t explain why, but I just quit.   Since all I had known for so long was “required” writing, I guess I thought that was all that I could do.  Give me the assignment, let me do the research, and I will knock your socks off with a piece about Abraham Lincoln.  Boom.  Once those assignments weren’t coming in anymore, the writing didn’t go out.

The writing didn’t start to go out again until one year ago.  Yep, one year ago exactly, that was when I realized that I missed it.  I missed the words.  I missed the thought involved in forming the words.  I missed writing.  When friends suggested I start a blog I never thought it would work for me.  I’m not a story-teller, I’m a factual writer.  Short of a few funny status updates I had never written for entertainment purposes, only for that grade.  I knew I was funny in my head, we are all funny to ourselves, but would other people find me funny?  Would other people be able to relate to what I’m saying? Who in the hell would read this drivel besides my mother (occasionally) and a handful of friends.  And by “handful”, I really mean one or two.  Never in a million years did I expect total strangers to enjoy my words.  Never.

As a first-time blogger, I didn’t exactly know what I wanted out of this.  I still don’t know if I can fully answer that question.  I’m not gonna try to bullshit you, there isn’t a writer out there who doesn’t hope that their work will hit the big time, but this biz is hard yo.  There are thousands of writers out there all striving for that same goal and for many, blogging is their job.  They do it full-time and they are determined to be the next big thing.  I gotta give them some big kudos because I can’t do this gig full-time.  Hell, I can barely do it part-time.  I can barely get this post finished because of the constant demand for a rousing game of Go-Fish.  So I suppose the timing of MTM’s question was meant to be.  It was meant to make me search inside myself and really think. Think about how far I was willing to go.  Think about how I could let one little blog mean so much to me.  Think about how much it has changed my life in just 365 days. Think about WHY I keep writing.

Would I love for a piece of mine to go viral?  Duh.  Isn’t that secretly what we all wish for?  I see it the same as when us parents post a “mom brag” photo on Facebook of our kids winning a spelling bee or a perfect attendance award.   If you have something that you are proud of, you want the world to see it.  Would I love to be making more money at this?  Um…who couldn’t use a little extra cashola in their bank account. What am I willing to sacrifice to get there?  My marriage?  I think not.  My kids? Absolutely not.  My friendships?  No way in hell.  But WHY?  WHY am I sitting here at 10:30 at night and 6:00 in the morning writing?  Why?  Because it fills my soul.   Because it allows me to put the thoughts in my head on paper.  Because it isn’t a job, it’s a hobby. Because it gives me an outlet and that outlet has helped me to realize that I am not alone.  Because it has given me the ability to make people smile.  The ability to make a difference.  The ability to be a positive light and add some laughter into someone’s day.

The biggest struggle for me has been to find my voice.  Don’t confuse voice with self-confidence because I am not lacking in the latter, but this blogosphere is hard.   You read one blog and you love her voice, how can you duplicate it without stealing it?  You read another one and you love her design, how can I implement that without it being the same?  You think the more you write, the more people read.  Before you know it you are sacrificing quality for quantity and then then you start wondering  if maybe you should write less because the people aren’t reading, so they must not like you. You get the haters who knock you down and instill the doubt inside you that you suck and should just fold up shop right this instant.  All aboard the emotional roller coaster.  Joy and excitement one day, a quick trip to emotional despair the next.  I think the most important thing I have learned this year, and it has taken me 364 days to figure this out, is to be true to myself.  It doesn’t make a hill of beans of difference what you write, someone is going to disagree.  That is human nature.  The key is to not sacrifice who you are in order to avoid the naysayers. You don’t like me?  I’m down with that. Just know that I won’t allow you to rain on my parade.  Mama ain’t got time fo’ dat.

We all have those days in which we feel as if all we have been served is a big ol shit sandwich with a side of sour pickles.  While I may not be a ray of freaking sunshine every day myself, I make it my goal to try to make at least one person smile every day.  I don’t know, maybe I should say I am an entertainer instead of a writer?  No.  I am a writer.  I am a writer who entertains with my words.  It has taken me a year to be able to say that.  I. AM. A. WRITER.   While my words may not fatten my bank account, or put my name on a best seller list, or even get me that dinner with Johnny, my words make a difference to someone.  Some days that someone may just be me, some days it may be hundreds of people, but as long as they make a difference to someone I will be here.  Writing.  Because it is what fills my soul.

Soul

Can You Poop Without Your Smart Phone?

Do you have a smart phone or other hand-held electronic device that you couldn’t live without? Can you can keep track of that thing better than you can keep track of your two-year-old?   Would your world come crashing down around you if you ever misplaced it? If you have found yourself wondering if you could ever survive separation from your beloved, here are the top ten signs you may have a severe addiction to your hand-held device:

Smart Phone

1.  You find yourself unable to perform your daily constitutional without having your phone in your hands.  If you can’t even put it down to wash afterwards, your addiction is severe, seek help immediately.

2.  Your thumbs have become the most agile part of your body because they get the most exercise.

3.  Your auto-correct knows your thoughts better than your spouse.  It knows that you want to say “that is reDONK” instead of “that is ridiculous”.  It knows that you want to say “that is a piece of shit” not “piece of shot”.   Your spouse is still trying to figure out your cycle.

4.  You have forgotten that books are still printed on paper.

5.  You log off Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest only to pick up your phone and refresh just in case you missed something super important in the past thirty seconds.

6.  You constantly find a reason to say “let me Google that”  and “is there an app for that” during conversation.

7.  You start to freak out because you are trying to get out the door and you can’t find your phone.  Only to realize that you are currently talking to someone.  Via telephone.   DOH!

8.  You wake up in a panic because your device is missing from its place of honor next to your bed. You find it tucked in under the covers because apparently you fell asleep mid-Tweet and you now you know where that black-eye came from.

9.  You start to get the nervous shakes when your battery life drops below twenty percent and you don’t have access to a charger.  You know, when you are waiting to catch a glimpse of the one person you have dreamed of meeting since 1987.  I’ve heard of this happening.

10.   Your idea of  multi-tasking is brushing your teeth, telling your kids to put on their shoes, and picking out some earrings all while pinning the recipe for tonight’s dinner followed by catching up on your Facebook news feed and checking your email.

If you find yourself nodding in agreement to any or all of the above, congratulations and welcome to the club.  Maybe we should start a support group?   Think about it and we can discuss it via Twitter, Facebook, and text message.