So This is Really Happening…

Living in the country we have days in which the UPS man pulling into the yard is the most traffic we see all day.  I had been waiting and waiting to see that brown truck this week and every day that passed with nothing was another day I sulked just a little.  Today he came and he had boxes.  Two of them.

My heart skipped a beat and I brought them in and put them on the table.  Since I knew what was inside I couldn’t bring myself to open them right away.  I was nervous.  I had heart palpitations and sweaty palms, I may have even let a little fart slip out as I jumped up and down in my excitement.  Then the reality sunk in.  Inside these boxes are books.  Not a bunch of books that I ordered to read for my own enjoyment.  Books.  THESE books:


<cue the tears>  These are books that contain my words.  Some of them may be dirty and to some inappropriate, but they are still mine.  My thoughts.  My words.  ACK!  It wasn’t real until I saw them and held one in my hands.  Now it’s official.  This is REALLY HAPPENING!

I grabbed the top one and opened it up and glanced at the table of contents and I think my knees buckled just a little.   To look at all those names of so many amazing women all in one place, with my name among them, was something that simply took my breath away.  It isn’t like it is a new development, this book has been in the works for months.  Some of these women I knew before.  Some of them I had read but didn’t know personally.  All of them I am getting to know better and better every day.



Since I operate on full disclosure and honesty I feel that I have to tell you that I have actually NOT read this book yet.  Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m afraid to and I didn’t have a copy.  When asked to contribute the list of other contributors was not disclosed.  I knew that Jen (People I Want to Punch in the Throat) would put together an amazing list of contributors and that alone made it difficult to write anything somewhat coherent.  I struggled for a month to write my piece for her and after a TON of editing I closed my eyes and hit the send button.  Once I discovered who all the incredible writers were that were going to be joining me on this adventure,  I may have thrown up a little.  These are some of the most talented and hilarious women on the interwebs.  Now I am in print with them.  Mind. Blown.

What I do know without even reading one single page is that this book is AMAZING.  To have thirty-seven amazing women all together inside one cover, brilliant.  To see thirty-seven women working together to make it succeed, brilliant.  To see thirty-seven women who may not necessarily share the same sense of humor or writing styles or beliefs do something so incredible is eye-watering.  I’m honored to be a part of this incredible adventure and can’t wait to see where it takes us.

I am in awe of their abilities.  I am humbled to be considered a writer of their caliber.  I’m still shittin bricks that my name is in that table of contents with all of these lovely ladies:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Insane in the Mom Brain
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Baby Sideburns
Rants From Mommyland
The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
My Life and Kids
Bad Parenting Moments
Let Me Start By Saying
Frugalista Blog
Suburban Snapshots
Ninja Mom
Four Plus an Angel
Honest Mom
Binkies and Briefcases
Naps Happen
Kelley’s Break Room
Toulouse & Tonic
Hollow Tree Ventures
The Fordeville Diaries
Mom’s New Stage
Nurse Mommy Laughs
The Dose of Reality
The Mom of the Year
Life on Peanut Layne
Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping
Random Handprints
You’re My Favorite Today
Funny is Family
My Real Life

So, let’s cut the sappy shit, fricken PMS.  Who wants to win a copy?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller? Bueller?  (Sorry, couldn’t resist)  I’m going to give away at least one copy of “I Just Want to Pee Alone”.  It will be the winner’s choice of either a paper copy or a Kindle copy.  Depending on my mood and the number of entries, I may decide to do more copies you never know.  The winner(s) will be announced on Tuesday morning.  The more entries there are, the greater the chances of more copies to be handed out…for FREE!!!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Don’t want to wait to see if you win?  Want to buy a copy for your sister/girlfriend/wife/mother-in-law/OB-GYN/most hated enemy?  It won’t even cost you your first born child.  Here is all the info.  Once you read it, be sure to express your love for the book with a positive review on Amazon.  We will worship the ground you walk on if you do :)

Get it delivered to your door via Amazon:  I Just Want to Pee Alone

Download it to your Kindle here: I Just Want to Pee Alone

You Nook users can download it here: I Just Want to Pee Alone

You can even get it from iTunes here:  I Just Want to Pee Alone

Dear Johnny, or Shall I Call You Mr. Depp?

If you follow me on Facebook, which you can do by clicking over there on the right somewhere.  You know, the place where it says “like me on Facebook”.  Yeah, that’s right, you know you want to click it.  I’ll wait…..
Anyways, now that you follow me on Facebook, you know that I may have a slight obsession with Johnny Depp.  I still to this day am not sure if “obsession” is the proper term here.  I adore and respect his work and his dedication to his craft.  After re-reading this, I have a hard time with the word “obsession”, but really just can’t come up with another word.  Maybe “admire” would be more appropriate?   I was thinking the other day about maybe explaining my obsession, adoration, love, I don’t really know the proper term here.  I remember once reading one of my favorite blogs, People I Want To Punch In The Throat, and she ADORES, and I don’t really blame her, ADORES Tina Fey.  She once wrote her a letter…read it here.  I did email Jen, and she informed me that she has not heard from Tina.  As far as I know, still no word from Tina either.  Jen is keeping the dream alive as well, but it sure does get difficult to keep up the fight!  These celebrities, too busy for the people that they entertain.  It really would be nice if they could at least acknowledge our efforts.  You know, those of us that see their movies, watch their shows, put the money in their pockets.  I started thinking I would just feel better if I got this out.  Mainly because I don’t want you people thinking I am just a total whack-job (I actually had a fan ask me today if  I was obsessed).  I am realistic, optimistically realistic.  Hopefully Johnny isn’t too freaked out.  I mean come on, we all know I’m funny. Really, who WOULDN’T want to have dinner with me?  Yes, I can be wacky at times, but that’s the stuff that makes life fun!
Here goes, my open letter to Johnny (with improvements):
Dear Johnny,
Is it OK that I call you Johnny?  Mr. Depp just seems so formal.  I am sure you receive thousands upon thousands of letters from fans every day.  Well, maybe not since you hide away in Los Angeles, or New Mexico, or where ever you may be filming your next flick. Needless to say, I am sure thousands of adoring fans at least WRITE you letters every day.   I am sure you don’t Facebook or Twitter (trust me, I have tried and tried to find official pages for you to no avail), and you don’t read mommy blogs, or surf the internet, but I wanted to let you know that I think we should totally hang out, in a completely platonic sort of way.  I think I have some very valid points and would love for you to at least entertain the thought of a casual dinner, at my house. OK, I will bend a little here and offer to come to you.  I can travel, but then we are on a one on one basis.  I don’t travel alone with 5 kids, that doesn’t bode well for my sanity, and Farmer Bob is just too busy in the summer with that farming stuff.  As much as I would enjoy this, I promise I am not a total whack-job you are welcome to do a background check if you prefer, I would miss my family after the first couple of days.  I am certain that we would be having a lovely time together, so it would require a multiple day visit.
If you peruse my Facebook page, please do not be alarmed.  I am NOT a stalker.  I know, I know, a true stalker would always say “I am NOT a stalker”, but really, I’m a housewife in the middle of Kansas with 5 kids.  I don’t have time to stalk.  I, like you, am providing entertainment to others usually at my own expense.  I love it, and am having a blast.  My apologies for using you to aid in my advancement in this blogging world, but really, a “thank you” would be nice.  Just look at all the free publicity I am giving you.  I know, not that you really need it, but I have women swooning over you on a daily basis.  You are always fresh in their minds, and I would believe it if someone saw one of your movies because I mentioned it.  I did write a pleasant review of Dark Shadows .  My people asked, I delivered.  That’s how I roll.  I really do just adore you, and not just for your looks.  You are incredibly talented, and I think we could be friends in the “real world”.  I watched you on Ellen and on Jimmy Kimmel and I must say, it is obvious how uncomfortable those types of situations make you.  I am not an expert on body language, but it was quite obvious that you do not like the spotlight.  Yet another reason that heading over to my place just makes sense.  You can’t get more low-key that this.
I see no reason why you couldn’t just come on over to the farm other than the fact that you are busy filming The Lone Ranger, but even busy guys deserve a break from time to time.  We could grill out some steaks, unless your vegan, but I don’t really picture you in my mind as vegan.  I am fairly certain you are the kind of guy that likes beef, there is nothin better than a big, homegrown, steak.  See…if I was a true stalker, I would know this about you.    You could bring the wine. Here at my house, you have to contribute to the meal, no free rides.  I provide the food, you provide the drink.  Fair?   I don’t need any high-priced bottle of wine, or some fancy after dinner drink. Something simple.  Bring some of your own.  I have to admit, I did not know you owned your own vineyard and winery until just recently.  I would love a sampling, I am not known for turning away a nice wine.  When we eat, we eat around the table, as a family. The conversation is usually light and silly do please don’t be offended by the words of the littles, they are kids. Burps, boyfriends, and playing with their food is always funny. We will eat steak, potatoes, salad, bread (you always have to have bread) and if you are lucky some sort of simple dessert.   Momma doesn’t run a 5 star joint around here, but it is food worth eating, that I can promise.  Oh, and you are required to help clean up.  Sorry, I don’t have a maid or a chef, I have kids.
After dinner, we can sit around and shoot the breeze.  Our kids can play, I did forget to mention, you can bring your kids along if you so desire.  I have 5 of them (3 girls, 2 boys), and they love having company.  They are great entertainers, and love making new friends.  If I’m not mistaken I believe your son and my oldest daughter are about the same age.  I am NOT suggesting anything here, good grief I am NOT ready for anything like that, but she loves to write and is always looking for a pen pal. I am pretty sure Farmer Bob would kick my ass for even insinuating anything other than a pen pal relationship.  You will see that country life has its privileges.  4-Wheelers, wide open spaces, kick ass games of hide and seek, tree forts, baseball, isolation.  You name it, we play it.  The closest little town has about 700 people, so you can pretty much sneak in under the radar.  I will keep it on the down low that you are coming, and no one even needs to know.  As hard as it will be to contain my excitement, I would do it for you.  No paparazzi, no media, just us.  Sounds like heaven, doesn’t it?  It’s better than France, I guarantee it.  I am not kidding around here.  My closest neighbor is 1/4 mile up the road.  We are isolated and we love it that way.  We can keep this as low key as you want.
We can get the kids settled in, let em watch a movie, mine LOVE Alice in Wonderland by the way, minus the Jabberwocky, it kinda creeps out the 4 year old.  You are not required to watch since I do know you have never watched your own movies which is quite interesting to me.  Then we can sit out on the patio, drink some wine, and converse.  Just talk.  Nothing in particular.  Just hang out.  I promise not to swoon over you…too much.  I mean, really, have you LOOKED in a mirror lately?  The years have been good to you my friend.  Anyways, I would love to chit chat about music, and movies, and life.  I have so many questions.  Not about movies per say, but just how you get it all done.  You must be exhausted.  Oh, and music.  Geesh I could talk music for days.  I know our lives are completely different, and I am interested in how you can juggle everything.  I know how difficult it is to just juggle being a stay at home/work from home mom with 5 littles and a husband who farms for a living.  I can only imagine how you are able to stay involved with your kiddos while traveling the world, making movies, premiers, award shows, blah, blah, blah…
My birthday is in June, FYI (just a few short days prior to yours) Coming up much faster now.  This is interesting since June is a great month to visit Kansas.  Not too hot, but hot enough to hit the pool and the ball fields.  It makes for lovely evenings outside, and if you come at the right time, you could hook up with Farmer Bob and go cut some wheat, or alfalfa, or both. This year it will be early, right around birthday time.  Surely you have never experienced a wheat harvest, but I am sure you can somewhat relate.  Long days.  Well, that may be it.  No scripts, no wardrobe, no makeup, no cameras.  Just work, lots and lots of hard work.   Oh boy would that be just a little awkward.  My Hubs and my celebrity obsession. Together in a combine for hours.  Priceless.  I would take pictures of that if you don’t mind, for longevity.  Really, the thought of that really makes me giggle.  Maybe you could consider it research for a role you are playing in the future? I am sure playing a hard working farmer/father of 5 is a pretty popular role. You’ve played a kid with scissors for hands, a mobster, a drug dealer (one of my faves by the way), and a drunken pirate (could watch these daily). Surely there is some demand for a farmer/father type role in Hollywood.  You can even film here.  I could play the farmers wife.  It would be a sacrifice, but I would do it, for you.
All joking aside.  I think we could have a lovely time together, and by WE I mean you, me, Farmer Bob, and the kids.  I don’t want you to be creeped out by the insinuation that I mean just you and me.  Oh, that would be lovely, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to tempt you too much. I am pretty cute, but I am also a married woman.
I don’t need much notice.  Just don’t be alarmed if you arrive and there are toys everywhere, the house is a mess and there’s a naked kid in the front yard.  Again, no maid and by summer I am hoping to be potty training (sounds glamorous, I know).  Well, I take that back, I have a maid, but she sucks.  I think she spends too much time working on her blog and on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.  In the meantime, I will try to keep steaks in the freezer and the patio cleaned off.  I hope you will entertain the idea of a quiet vacation in Kansas.  I promise, you won’t regret it!
With hope and admiration,
My dear readers…I shall leave this in YOUR hands.  I don’t tweet, Lord knows I don’t need something else to be addicted to, (OK, if enough of you asked me to REALLY nicely, I would consider it.  I’m a sucker for sweet requests), Oh, now I do tweet, but you are still encouraged to tweet this all over the planet, and I have quite a lovely reader base, but not a HUGE one.  If you would love to share this all over the planet, go right ahead.  The more it gets out, the more chances I have of actually getting a response.  Again, I’m REALISTICALLY OPTIMISTIC.  Also, I don’t think that Jen, AKA, the “Jeneral”,  would mind if you pushed hers again either.  I would love to help her out anyway I could in order for her to meet Tina.  She has given me some great advice, I can’t think of any better way to repay her.  You know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone…so share both blogs (mine and People I Want to Punch in the Throat).  Help some mommas out, I know you can do it!