Johnny Depp, Party of Two, Your Table is Ready

I’ve been doing some deep thinking about  resurrecting this  mission of meeting up with you for months.   Seriously, this post has been in my drafts since February.  I add things, I delete things.  I’ve started over multiple times and I’ve stayed up many a  night wondering how to make it work.  I’ve made lists and I’ve written some real crap.   I don’t know why in the hell I worry so much about it.  I am certain that some many would say to me to just move the fuck on, but for some reason I just can’t let it go.   I have this nagging voice in my head that won’t let me give up.  I swear it feels like I’m trying to do something not just for myself, but for so many of my friends who support me and what I’m doing here on a daily basis.  My thought processes have been so random lately it has been hard to come up with the perfect approach.

First it was  making one of those pics asking for one million Facebook likes and then you would agree to set something up.  Surely that shit works for all those people whose faces show up in my news feed.  If hundreds/thousands/a million people think it should happen, then it will.  Right?  I then had a glass of wine and remembered how redonkulous those are so I made this one, just to add that special touch to this post.  Totally not the least bit embarrassing.


Hey!  How about a working with an amazing company to create something inspired by you?  Hell yeah I did that.  I worked with my amigas over at A Girl and Her Band to create this AMAZING headband, appropriately named Captain Jack,  that is now available on their website.    For now I had to use a miniature version of you to show it off, but I will bring one with me when we meet so that we can do something incredible for these inspiring ladies.

Captain Jack

Since I can’t rely on getting one million Facebook likes to make something happen, I am going to have to rely on my writing skills for this.  Sonofa….  Trying to decide which path to take here has been difficult.  I did the letter, I’ve done the movie review, I’ve even gotten my ass up at four in the morning on a whim holding on to that slim chance that I would have a chance to meet you.  I could sit here and blabber on about how much I adore you and how much I think you are all that and a bag of chips and how all your movies are spectacular, but even my five-year-old could read through that bullshit.  What could I possibly write that would be different from the millions of other letters that you receive?

It was when I was talking with the Enabler and she asked me:  If you had the chance to actually sit and talk to him, what would you talk about?  Holy. Shit.  Why did I not think of this sooner?  I need to brainstorm over wine more often.

Let’s just imagine for a minute can we, you and I at a table in a quaint little restaurant.  I have a salad because I probably can’t really eat out of fear of having something in my teeth, or having gas;  you have a full plate of delightful food and I am extremely jealous because I’m starving.  Both of us would have wine of course, except I would most likely down the first glass to calm my nerves.  Don’t be alarmed, this will make the conversation much more interesting for both of us.    We would get the bullshit out-of-the-way immediately.  Yes, I have five kids.  Yes, they are all mine.  Yes, they were all planned.  Yes, they all have the same daddy.  Yes, I’m happily married.  Yes, we really farm.  Oh wait, you thought that YOU would be answering all the questions.  I just assumed that you would be so intrigued by me that your list of questions would be never-ending.  My bad.

Once you were finished with all your questions,  I am confident that I could come up with some suitable conversation starters.  I usually suffer from a serious case of verbal diarrhea, especially when I’m nervous, so there is no doubt that it would lead to many foot in mouth moments so please be sure to bring your sense of humor.  Rest assured I would at least make the effort to appear like I have half a clue. I am fairly educated and I read quality  <ahem>  literature (like my own book, I Just Want to Pee Alone) when I have time (which isn’t very often)  so surely I will be able to keep up with the conversation.  I joke, but really these days I am just trying my best just to form logical thoughts and form coherent sentences.  Thanks to my kids I don’t know how much I have left upstairs so I need to seize the moment and utilize what I’ve got while I still have it.  The amount of quality adult interaction that I get to enjoy really is limited, so don’t be scared to just tell me to shut the hell up if I happen to get a little wordy.

In all seriousness though, I don’t want to interview you.  I am sure you sit through so many of those snore-fests you don’t need another session of the same boring-ass questions.   I’m not a journalist trying to land that big movie star interview in order to further my career.  I’m a mom who writes for a little bit of mental therapy.  I put my thoughts out there for total strangers to read with the hopes that maybe I will give someone a smile or encourage someone to make a change.  If it’s a good day I will help someone get just the laugh that they needed to push them up from the depths of grumpiness or help that stressed out momma realize that she isn’t alone.  That the very same shit that she has dealt with today, happened in my house yesterday.  Luckily for me, very few people (translation my family and a handful of friends) would even know who I was if they saw me walking down the street.  Anonymity definitely has it’s perks.

I have absolutely no agenda and I have no wonderful story to tell you as to why I deserve to meet you.  I lead what many would consider an “ordinary” life on a farm in the middle of Kansas.  I have nothing spectacular to tell you about myself besides I have five amazing kids and one very supportive husband.   I can tell you that I’m a devoted fan, a devoted wife and mother to my family, and a devoted writer and entertainer for all my friends.   I drink, I swear, I say what I think and do what I say I will.  I make people laugh, I make my kids cry, and I have terrible indigestion right now because I know it’s time to hit the publish button on this post and the people, they will read it and they will roll their eyes, and for fucks sake I hope they share it and blow up the internet.  I suppose I will leave the rest up to the power of the interwebs, fate….and you.

Peace.  Out.  xoxo


Cake in a Glass? Yes, PLEASE!

Girls night out. They don’t come very often, so when they do I like to make the most out of them.  When my cousin, the Enabler, asked me to run away with her for an entire child-free evening for a visit to our Alma Mater I just had to make it happen.  Childcare, check.   Bags packed, check.  Cash in hand, check.  Legs shaved, oops.

We quickly forget how lovely it is to escape every once in a while.  Eating a hot meal without having to cut up something for someone or stopping halfway through to take someone to the potty.   To enjoy a nice summer beer while you properly chew your food instead of  taking a bite and choking it down while you chase your three-year-old across the restaurant.  To sit and enjoy adult conversation instead of taking half of your meal home to eat later because your kids can’t keep their hands off each other and they are crying because you flicked them all on the ear (I would never do that, but I’ve heard of it happening <ahem>).

To shop without chasing kids through the racks.

To go to a bar and enjoy a beer (or three).

Then you wake up and it hits you.  Something big is coming up soon.  It’s sneaking up on you like all your kids’ birthdays.  You can’t quite put your finger on it.  It’s a holiday you are pretty sure, but all the days run together so that is a total stab in the dark.


Oh. Snap.  Easter is coming.  Soon.  Ham, potatoes, all the fixin’s.  Easter baskets.  Candy.  Peeps.  Crap.

Are we required to make Easter crafts?  Do we need cute little centerpieces and fancy place mats?  What exactly should I be doing in preparation?  Should I be baking cookies and planning out a fancy cake? What will we eat?  What will we drink?  Will the Easter Bunny bring good stuff for the kids’ baskets?  Can I put out my own basket and he will fill it with special gifts just for me *wine/chocolates*?

I started thinking about my kids and what they always hope the Easter Bunny will bring them.  The usual suspects; chocolate bunnies and Peeps. Toys and books.  I am always un-prepared and usually over-purchase and we end up eating Peeps for weeks.  Normally not a bad thing, but since I am trying to loosen my jeans instead of make them tighter,  I needed to come up with a way to thin out the Peeps.  My way.

I started doing some basic research.  I was imperative to come up with something creative and after watching this video for Peeps,  I started asking myself  what is MY “Peepsonality”?  Go ahead.  Watch it.  I can wait.  WATCH IT.  *taps toes*

I decided to take it to the next level and go to the Peeps website for ideas and had a hard time finding something to fit me.  You all know me well enough by now.  I don’t do crafts, kids with scissors and glue guns scare me.  I bake, but my jeans advised me to pursue other options.  What is something that I can do?  Hmmmm…. Well,  I do  like to enjoy a nice drink at night.  Maybe I’m on to something here.  Sometimes it is wine, sometimes it is a beer, but for Easter I needed something good.  Like a dessert in a glass.

I decided to take my idea to the bars while out with my girls.  Would something light and fruity work?  Nope.  Something sweet and sugary? Nope.  Something chocolaty and delicious?  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a WINNER!!!!

I needed a professional’s assistance, so with a little help from our very young and charming with a stellar taste in music bartender Tony at Porter’s bar in  Manhattan, Kansas (when I say young I really mean that even though Tony and I graduated from the same high school, it wasn’t in the same century young) we came up with the idea for this delightful beverage.  There was some intensive research involved in this process both at the bar, and at home.  I can only hope that you appreciate all the hard work I do for you all.

It took a few tries to get the right combination.  Luckily Farmer Bob, the chocolate connoisseur, was available this weekend to be my official test taster.  Some were too chocolaty (is that possible?).  Some were too vanilla-y (is that a word?).  After some trial and error, and a few shots just for good measure, we settled on this recipe.  It really is like a slice of black forest cake in a glass:


Peeps in the Forest

Equal parts UV Chocolate Cake and Cherry Vodka 
Splash of UV Vanilla Vodka
Dr. Pepper to taste
Make sure to sugar your rim.
Dip Peep in chocolate and use as garnish and to nibble as you drink.  It adds just the right amount of sweet!  
Make sure to have a few extra chocolate covered Peeps on the side.  I realized just one wasn’t enough.


Just be careful…this sucker will sneak up on you in a heartbeat.  You’ve been warned.  May it make your Easter dinner just a little less stressful.  Enjoy.

*This post is sponsored by Peeps, but all the words and thoughts are products of my own brain.*


Long Hairs and Snow Days

Long Hairs and Snow Days

The other day I found a hair.  A long one.  On my knee.  At first I thought it was just a hair from my head that stuck to my leg in the shower. Nope, that thing was attached.    Be aware that when I say a long one, I mean that sucker could have been braided if only it would have had friends close by.  This one hair made my mind start to wonder; How in the hell does one miss the same hair for months?  How?  The same reason I can’t take a good poop without having to stop halfway through.  The same reason my hair needs to be colored, but isn’t. The same reason my house looks like a colony of monkeys live here.  Because I have kids and they’ve been home for days, that’s why.

I have been trapped in a snowy hell for days.  DAYS.  I am sure that somewhere around here I have some funny lying around, but in all honesty I think my kids have sucked that well dry, kind of like my boobs.  I can’t possibly stomach another game of Guess Who or another episode of Dinosaur Train.  I also cannot bear to listen to myself tell my kids to stop fighting with each other.  To keep their hands to themselves.  To say excuse me when they rip a big burp or gag me with a fart.  These unexpected long breaks are painful.  So much so that the government could use it as a form of torture.  You want someone to talk, lock them in a house with young children for days with minimal provisions.  They would break in a matter of hours.  It is so different from a scheduled break because of the lack of preparation time, the scramble to stock up on “provisions”, or maybe it is just the fact that there is. no. escape.

The first day, everyone is so excited.  HEY LOOK!  SNOW!  Get out the gloves/boots/hats/scarves/five-hundred pairs of pants, and listen to the squeals of delight.  It fills your heart with rainbows and unicorns  and you are so glad that they got a few extra hours to play in it.  You don’t mind the piles of wet gloves and the constant requests for hot chocolate.


Until that first snowball is thrown.

Day two brings constant snowfall.  Trapped.  Here is where things go downhill, and quickly.  See if any of this sounds familiar:

  • MOM!  He took my blanket!
  • MOOOOOOMMMMMM, she farted on me!
  • But MOOOOOMMMMM, I don’t WANT to watch that!
  • But MOM!  He touched me!
  • Can we have a snack?  I’m still hungry, can I have something else to eat?  I’m HONGRY MOM!
  • Mom, can we go outside?  <10 minutes later>  Man! It’s cold outside,  we are coming in!
  • Hey PITA, put down that frozen milk jug and put some clothes on before you freeze your wiener off! (What?  You’ve never said that?)

One would think that living in the middle of Kansas in the winter that I would be better prepared for such occurrences.  Well, one would be wrong.  I don’t keep a file of lesson plans for snowy days.  I don’t keep a well-stocked craft closet.  I suppose that would be because I don’t enjoy “crafting”, but it is mainly because the thought of giving young kids scissors and glue gives me heart palpitations.  “Hey MOM, look at my pretty new haircut!”  .  “Hey Mom, why do they call it a HOT glue gun?  AHHHHHHHHHH MY EYE!!!!!”    “Don’t you love our new wallpaper mom?  I used all the colors that you love!”

I’m not afraid to be honest with you all.  The wine helps.  I’m not talking about dousing myself in it every night, just a glass or two (some days three).  It doesn’t make me a bad mom nor does it make me an alcoholic.  It makes me real.  For some it may not be wine, it may be food or pharmaceuticals or vodka or a nice hot bath mixed with wine and cookies or running away to Mexico to enjoy sunshine and drinks served by a handsome cabana boy by the pool.  Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do to help you relax at the end of the day.  It doesn’t make us bad parents to enjoy a glass of wine or a couple of cookies or a nice hot bath. Running away to Mexico, maybe, but only if you never return.

I don’t really know where the long knee hair and snow days are connected, hell I don’t really know where I was going with this entire post, but I do know that sometimes we screw up and we miss things.  Things that we may look back on and laugh about later, but also some things that we don’t want to look back on and be sad that we overlooked.  We bitch and moan about having our kids home for extended periods of time.  In all reality though, somewhere deep down (WAAAAY deep down) we enjoy these moments.  While at the time we don’t enjoy the puddles of melted snow in the dining room and the endless games of tag in the house.  We cuss under our breath about the extra loads of laundry and the constant requests to play on some sort of electronic device while munching on handfuls of popcorn. We know that these moments are passing ever so quickly.  That we should treasure them.  That we should enjoy them.  That someday we will miss them.  For now though we will laugh at our long hairs, poop when we can, and enjoy that glass of wine while watching our kids play in the cold.  While working on our passports from the window.


Before you leave, do two things for me please:

1. Don’t forget to subscribe to email updates up there on the very top left. It really is the best way to ensure that you don’t miss anything and I promise I won’t spam you.

2.  Don’t forget to RSVP for the free parenting webinar on Thursday night.  You can do that here and I look forward to chatting with you all!

My Gift to You; A Christmas Shopping Schedule

I started Christmas shopping.  Not finished, started. One would think that since I started so late that I would be organized and ready to go. Well, one would be wrong.  I told you guys last week about how I needed to make a list.  I will tell you that I made one but in the interest of full disclosure, it’s terrible. I couldn’t put off this shopping any longer, so I left my house with my super crappy list and a mission.  A mission to at least purchase one gift so that the next time someone asks me if I have started my shopping, I don’t have to laugh in their face and start weeping.  Of course while I was out, I was contemplating how I could use this experience to help you all out.  See, I’m always thinking about you.  I decided that the best way to help you would be to go ahead and schedule out your shopping day for you.  Consider this my gift to you.  One of those types of gifts that just keep on giving because you can use this schedule as many times as is needed.  Print it, keep it handy.  You can thank me later.

6:00 AM:  Who in the hell are we kidding here?  Whatever you do, do NOT get up at six in the freaking morning if you are going to spend your day shopping.  Nothing is open yet and you are going to need your energy.  Keep on sleeping, you’ll thank me for this later.

7:00 AM:  If you have kids, chances are they are up by now.  If you are like me, you have been awake for a while now but have been hiding in bed checking your Facebook.  When you hear the pitter-patter of little feet you quickly put your phone down and pretend you are asleep.  When you start gagging on the warm morning breath as they lovingly blow it in your face and ask you if it is time for breakfast, you smooth down your hair and drag yourself out of the comforts of your nice warm bed.

7:01 AM: Pee

7:02 AM: Make coffee.  Depending on your bladder capacity, making coffee could be swapped with peeing.

7:03 AM:  Feed the heathens.  The sooner you feed them, the sooner they get dressed and head off to school.  No need to delay.

7:30 AM:  Send the kids off to the bus stop and hop in the shower with a smile.  If you still have kids at home like I do, still get in the shower just pray that the house will still be intact when you get out.  I am not below using the television for a babysitter under these circumstances.  Don’t judge me, I just want a shower.

7:45 AM:  Brush your teeth.  This is an important reminder, especially if you have plans on meeting a friend later for lunch.

8:30 AM:  Finally leave the house, with a travel size mug of coffee, your young kids if you have them, and the desire to succeed.  Don’t worry, you are just taking those younguns to the sitter.  Let’s not be silly here, we aren’t taking kids with us.

9:00-11:00:  Shop.  This will be quite difficult and mentally exhausting since you don’t really have a list to go by.   Meandering aimlessly through various stores with absolutely no idea what you are looking for can be an eye watering and heartbreaking experience.  You know that moment when you see that “perfect” gift and you bee line over to it.  You pick it up and rejoice because you just know that this will be THE gift that they play with for more than the three days that kids are limited by unwritten rules for playing with new toys.  Your eyes begin to water with joy and you are close to breaking out into “Joy to the World” until you turn over the package and see the price tag.  $150 for a box of magnets covered in plastic???  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? wah, wah, wah….Your enthusiasm will now be quashed just a bit, but lunch is coming soon.

11:00-12:30:  Lunch. Hey, we gotta eat.  If possible, schedule a date with a friend. It is at this point that a late morning/early afternoon beverage would be totally acceptable, after all you’ve earned it.  The time frame on this one is completely flexible.

12:30-3:30:  Continue shopping until finished.  When I say “finished” I mean it in one of two ways.  Finished as in “I’m completely done buying gifts for everyone on my non-existent list.  My bank account/credit card are exhausted and so am I”, or finished as in “Holy shit my feet and back are killing me, I have no idea what I have actually purchased, what I still need to purchase but my brain and my body just can’t take anymore”.  It is at this point that you will also start to wonder exactly why there are so many people in Target in the middle of the day.  It will become apparent that they did not get the memo that today is your shopping day and that they need to just back off.  You are working really hard on not being an asshole, but your need to block the entire Lego aisle is making that task really difficult to mark off my list.

3:30:  Decide to make one more stop just for the hell of it because you heard a certain children’s clothing store was having a good sale.  You fill your bag without incident and proceed to the register.  It is here that you may have a similar conversation with the rather young and naive sales person:

Sales person: You must have a girl and a boy
Shopper: No, I have three girls and two boys
SP:  Whoa.  That’s a lot of kids.
Shopper:  Yeah, probably more than one person really needs.
SP: Oh.  Would you like your receipt with you or in your sack?
Shopper:  I’ll take it with me please.

4:30:  On your way home, stop at one more store.  While some would say this is not the season to shop for yourself, under the circumstances this one last stop is vital in order to help with end of the day decompression and relaxation.  Please, for your own sanity, stop at the adult package store and pick yourself up a bottle….or four.  Trust me, you (and your spouse) will thank me for fitting this into your schedule.

Please accept this gift from me to you.  I can only hope that in these final weeks before Christmas it helps you to accomplish all your goals.  Or get you drunk, one of the two.  Who knows, maybe even both.  xoxoxo