I have to tell you something. Something very serious. Something frightening and probably considered a tad too much information. Are you ready? Here we go …I have PMS. Not just any PMS mind you, this is late-thirties PMS which is quite different from late-twenties PMS or even early thirties PMS. It’s true ladies, it gets worse with every passing month. This month seems to be a bit more disappointing than the others have been and I have been spending the last couple of days trying to figure out why. Last night I had that “a ha” moment. It’s people. Partially myself, partially other people, but people in general are disappointing.
I have had these feelings for a while now, but I think this latest battle with the raging hormones has exacerbated it and brought it to an extremely ugly head. Like a big nasty pimple. This really sucks when you are a writer and you want to write something so damn funny but you can’t. You just can’t be funny. You know you need to be because the people, they like it, but your tank is empty. If you don’t write/say/do something funny the people will be disappointed. If you don’t blow people away with your witty rhetoric they could revolt and leave you to your own demise. The pressure deepens and you feel the funny recede further down into your soul. You beg the funny to come back. You plead and you scream at it. You try to entice it with cookies and wine but it just gives you a big fat finger and tells you to piss off. Come back when you are serious about being funny again. Find what is stealing your thunder and tell it to hit the road, then maybe we can talk.
I say now is the time to talk. I realized it’s the people. Not most people, but a small minority of people. I would say that there is a 99.9% chance that it isn’t even a single person who is reading this right this moment, but I can’t be certain. It’s that 0.01% of people who make it their goal every day to ruin someone’s day. Yeah, I’m talking to you assholes that think you are bad ass motherfuckers who can read someone’s blog and degrade them in the comments. You people that have to ruin a perfectly good status update with your hateful words. That woman in Wal-Mart who has to judge another for disciplining her child in a public setting while she talks on her phone and her own spawn wreak havoc in the aisles. Those parents that volunteer to help with something at school and then the day of decide they don’t want to participate anymore. What is happening to us?
My initial gut reaction is to give up Facebook. It seems like that is where the most drama exists, but I’m not gonna lie. I need Facebook like a stripper needs a pole. I have had so many positive things come from Facebook both socially and professionally. Wait? Did I just say professionally, does that make me a professional? It helps me realize that my kid isn’t the only one who eats her boogers or puts his finger in his butt or asks a teacher if it’s OK for him to play with his balls. What? Your kids don’t say that? It helps me feel like less of a failure as a wife and a mother on those days when I don’t feel like cooking supper or if I admit that my kids are driving me crazy. We all need that reassurance that we aren’t alone and I get that from Facebook, sometimes on an hourly basis.
Unfortunately it also brings out the ugly in people. One terrible comment leads to another terrible comment and before you know it the hatred is spreading like a bad case of herpes. Internet herpes. I can openly admit that I have been known to suffer from this terrible affliction. Luckily for me I am able to control my outbreaks, but for so many others it is a frequently occurring, and apparently incurable, problem. You have all seen it. The tyrannical rulers of the Internet. You can write a post about babies and glitter and little baby puppies and they are all up in your business trying to make you look like you threw the babies and the puppies in a pit of fire and sprinkled them with the glitter in celebration of their terrible demise and you will burn in hell for even writing about it. This is when the outbreak begins and before you know it everyone around you is suffering from the most incredible case of Facebook herpes and and it is spreading faster than the bubonic plague. Facebook herpes is the worst disease to hit humanity in recent history. At some point every person has suffered from it, but only those who really care are interested in a cure.
I think it is time for me to let you in on a little secret. Now, we have to keep this super hush-hush because this has NOT been approved by the FDA and don’t need them all up in my business. I have the cure for Internet herpes. If you enjoy your raging case, then by all means I will give you a second to go ahead and leave…You still here? Good, that means that like me you desire to cure this terrible affliction. Are you sure you can handle this? It is an intensive process, but I think it will be worth the effort. This is so earth shattering it could change the internets forEVAH. Ready? You may want to be sure you are sitting down….here we go:
Holy shit. Can you believe it? Take a minute to pick yourself up off the floor and process what just happened here. Isn’t it a miracle cure? Together we can do this. If you don’t have something nice or constructive to say, shut your pie-hole. If you come across a status infected with the herp, just walk away. Don’t feed the herpes monster, just be nice to each other. Such a simple concept really, but I think if we all join together we can eradicate this terrible disease one comment at a time.