Do You Have Internet Herpes?

I have to tell you something.  Something very serious.  Something frightening and probably considered a tad too much information.  Are you ready? Here we go …I have PMS.    Not just any PMS mind you, this is late-thirties PMS which is quite different from late-twenties PMS or even early thirties PMS.  It’s true ladies, it gets worse with every passing month.  This month seems to be a bit more disappointing than the others have been and I have been spending the last couple of days trying to figure out why.  Last night I had that “a ha” moment.  It’s people.  Partially myself, partially other people, but people in general are disappointing.

I have had these feelings for a while now, but I think this latest battle with the raging hormones has exacerbated it and brought it to an extremely ugly head. Like a big nasty pimple.   This really sucks when you are a writer and you want to write something so damn funny but you can’t.  You just can’t be funny.  You know you need to be because the people, they like it, but your tank is empty.  If you don’t write/say/do something funny the people will be disappointed. If you don’t blow people away with your witty rhetoric they could revolt and leave you to your own demise.  The pressure deepens and you feel the funny recede further down into your soul.  You beg the funny to come back.  You plead and you scream at it.  You try to entice it with cookies and wine but it just gives you a big fat finger and tells you to piss off.   Come back when you are serious about being funny again.  Find what is stealing your thunder and tell it to hit the road, then maybe we can talk.

I say now is the time to talk.  I realized it’s the people.  Not most people, but a small minority of people.  I would say that there is a 99.9% chance that it isn’t even a single person who is reading this right this moment, but I can’t be certain.  It’s that 0.01% of people who make it their goal every day to ruin someone’s day.  Yeah, I’m talking to you assholes that think you are bad ass motherfuckers who can read someone’s blog and degrade them in the comments.  You people that have to ruin a perfectly good status update with your hateful words.  That woman in Wal-Mart who has to judge another for disciplining her child in a public setting while she talks on her phone and her own spawn wreak havoc in the aisles.  Those parents that volunteer to help with something at school and then the day of decide they don’t want to participate anymore.  What is happening to us?

My initial gut reaction is to give up Facebook.  It seems like that is where the most drama exists, but I’m not gonna lie.  I need Facebook like a stripper needs a pole.  I have had so many positive things come from Facebook both socially and professionally.  Wait?  Did I just say professionallydoes that make me a professional?  It helps me realize that my kid isn’t the only one who eats her boogers or puts his finger in his butt or asks a teacher if it’s OK for him to play with his balls.  What?  Your kids don’t say that?  It helps me feel like less of a failure as a wife and a mother on those days when I don’t feel like cooking supper or if I admit that my kids are driving me crazy.  We all need that reassurance that we aren’t alone and I get that from Facebook, sometimes on an hourly basis.

Unfortunately it also brings out the ugly in people.  One terrible comment leads to another terrible comment and before you know it the hatred is spreading like a bad case of herpes.  Internet herpes.  I can openly admit that I have been known to suffer from this terrible affliction.  Luckily for me I am able to control my outbreaks, but for so many others it is a frequently occurring, and apparently incurable,  problem.  You have all seen it.  The tyrannical rulers of the Internet.  You can write a post about babies and glitter and little baby puppies and they are all up in your business trying to make you look like you threw the babies and the puppies in a pit of fire and sprinkled them with the glitter in celebration of their terrible demise and you will burn in hell for even writing about it.  This is when the outbreak begins and before you know it everyone around you is suffering from the most incredible case of Facebook herpes and and it is spreading faster than the bubonic plague.  Facebook herpes is the worst disease to hit humanity in recent history.  At some point every person has suffered from it, but only those who really care are interested in a cure.

I think it is time for me to let you in on a little secret.  Now, we have to keep this super hush-hush because this has NOT been approved by the FDA and don’t need them all up in my business.  I have the cure for Internet herpes.  If you enjoy your raging case, then by all means I will give you a second to go ahead and leave…You still here?  Good, that means that like me you desire to cure this terrible affliction.  Are you sure you can handle this?  It is an intensive process, but I think it will be worth the effort.  This is so earth shattering it could change the internets forEVAH.  Ready?  You may want to be sure you are sitting down….here we go:

Nice

Holy shit.  Can you believe it?  Take a minute to pick yourself up off the floor and process what just happened here.  Isn’t it a miracle cure?  Together we can do this.  If you don’t have something nice or constructive to say, shut your pie-hole.  If you come across a status infected with the herp,  just walk away.  Don’t feed the herpes monster, just be nice to each other.  Such a simple concept really, but I think if we all join together we can eradicate this terrible disease one comment at a time.

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Amen, momma…A-FREAKIN-MEN! It’s such a complicated concept isn’t it?? <3 you…bigtime. xoxo

  2. Slow clap leading to wild applause. Herpes are no joke…and, apparently, the first sign of Facebook herpes is a loss of a sense of humor. Cue the rainbow, girl. Love you.
    Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted…Check please!My Profile

  3. So simple and yet the masses still can’t grasp it!!! Can’t we all just get along? I’ve been on blogging hiatus….but I’m back now and oh how I’ve missed you and your blog :)
    Giggles recently posted…Growing Old…Gracefully?My Profile

  4. Exactly! I’m fairly new and don’t have near the following that you do, but I’ve still seen a troll or two. And ehrmergerd it persed me off! Not so much because they insulted me – I knew I was going to be up against some of that when I “put myself out there”. But, they insulted my “fans” (as if) and that was just crossing the line. Being nice to each other…what a mind-blowing concept. If only it could catch on.
    Meredith @ The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears recently posted…He’s Such a Romantic and Almost Ruined Disney for MeMy Profile

  5. Agreed! I don’t know if that is the right time of the year or something but a lot of ppl have bloged about facebook lately…I guess everyone is getting fed up with some issues that occur especially there.
    “Be kind to one another” is my fave quote of all time. Sometimes it is hard to do it though, especially when someone is so damn rude and mean to me on purpose but then I think “maybe he is rude to me because somebody else was rude to him earlier? And when I am nice it may turn things around”. :)
    Alexandra recently posted…Valentine’s Day cards and Kupala NightMy Profile

  6. Yes! Fact is that when you look at someone’s life you get a 3 second glimpse at an hour long picture. You just don’t know what is going on. Unfortunately, some people aren’t smart enough to look past their fear of realizing that the entire world does not revolve around their views, and when they don’t take it well they vomit those views onto everyone else. Sucks, but just like you can’t fix stupid you can’t turn an asshole into a princess, dress it up all you want but it still smells like shit

  7. Mature Canadian says:

    This is so true and so frustrating. It is so much easier to be nice and reap the rewards in smiles and rainbows, than to be a Trologdyte with your knuckles dragging on the floor. I’ve taken to deleting any comments I don’t like, so that I don’t over react. Redhead, with redhead temper so I really have to watch my reactions to dirtbags.

    If you are still feeling down I suggest you check out our dear Johnny playing guitar and using sign language to “My Valentine” while listening to Sir Paul sing the lyrics. Oh, some chick is in it too. :) It is up on You Tube and well worth the 3 minutes listen, I could actually feel the stress leave my shoulders while it was playing. Found it from Sir Paul’s Facebook page, he very nicely had the link in his remarks. See, some Facebook pages & people are nice! Feel better soon, we all love you.

  8. You hit it girlfriend. You put the VD in Valentine’s Day…just say no to FB Herpes. Love you. xo
    dg recently posted…DG’s Silly Coffee Mug Giveaway!My Profile

  9. Don’t let the bastards get you down!!!

  10. Oh. And I here I thought I just had a raging case of PMS. (I even wrote a post about it!)

    Well now I have something other than my own traitorous body to blame when I feel like kicking someone in the shin.

    Thanks.

    xoxo
    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted…What Do Light Switches, Strike Plates, and Flip-Flops Have in Common?My Profile

  11. I caugjt myself today… but then instantly blocked every source that has brought out the ugly in me nd took a breath, and carried on with ym happy self.. Thanks for writing this, thanks for being on FB, and thanks for being you!!

  12. “Shut your pie hole” is right! I am baffled by facebook herpes- STOP SPREADING THE YUCK! Y’all should have learned that in college. Jeesh.

  13. So. Freaking. True!!! I’ll be sharing you across the social media sphere. “Be kind to one another. It’s not that hard, dammit!!”
    Kristi recently posted…You Got Me What?My Profile

  14. I love that you said motherfucker. AND I LOVE THIS POST. AND YOU! AND,YES, I’M SHOUTING. XOXO
    Andrea recently posted…I wipe my kids’ a$$ and 5 other things I “shouldn’t” doMy Profile

  15. I love this. And I’m just about done with the Book of Face, myself, not because of the herps, but because all they want is the funny. Nothing but the funny, nothing real unless it’s funny. And that’s fine. I get it, and I need the funny, too. But when it comes to dishing it out, I don’t think I’m anyone’s huckleberry anymore. xsnos.
    Elyssa recently posted…Shine Brightly So Others Might SeeMy Profile

  16. A few things. First, that rageful depressing PMS does get better. I will be 45 this year and I dare say I haven’t gritted the bondo off my front teeth in a couple years, LOL, so just hang on. Secondly, quitting FB…I want to do that too. I even considered giving it up for Lent, 40 days, because I think we all need a break sometimes. But, alas, “no critics = no success”. It’s a chinese fortune I got right when I started my blog. Thirdly…I freakin’ love what you’ve written here. Common Sense. A good dose of it goes a long way. Cheers to you!

    • That is encouraging because right now I want to remove my uterus with a melon baller. I thought about it for Lent as well, for about 30 seconds, then realized there was no way I could unless I wanted to drive this blog into the ground. Thank you for your kind words, now to just get some of these people to be nice. Hmpf.

  17. I think this is fantastic. I see it happening all the time when my sisters post something: Someone just has to put their two sense in, even at her expense.

    People really should be nicer to one another.
    Robyn Webb recently posted…In Case You Were Wondering, My Foot is Still Being a JerkMy Profile

  18. It’s so true. Also, thank you for making me grateful for the first time that I have almost no facebook fans. Sure, that means I have uh no facebook fans… but also? no trolls! yippee!
    Anna recently posted…Happy Valentine’s Day!My Profile

  19. Just. walk. away. Was a great song by Toni Childs in the 80s, and is so true here. What a wise post. I need a vaccine for FB altogether. FB is like Fight Club.
    Keesha recently posted…How Hot (and Sexy) is Your Valentine’s Day?My Profile

  20. I only have 339 “Likes”, of which only 100-ish or so get to see – and even I have trolls. I wish FB had a detonation button. Once again, you spoke to me, darlin’!
    Karen Morgan recently posted…“Panic” Was Spot-OnMy Profile

  21. Now I can credit you with TWO amazing terms: “bloghole” and “facebook herpes.” You are truly a brilliant lady and I’m so glad I get to read your thoughts!! Keep puttin’ them out there and start making liberal use of the “delete” function. :-)
    The Next Step recently posted…The only good thing about Valentine’s Day,My Profile

  22. Three and a half years ago I was so sad all the time. The past year I had suffered some major losses and life changing events. My beloved father passes away, I was severly injured breaking my spine and damaging the nerves to my legs permanently causing, unbearable severe pain constantly I had to quit a high paying corporate nurse job that I loved. Other than my husband and daughter (the last of five kids living at home) my mother and sister moved in and were beyong abusive to me once I was down and couldn’t suppost them with new cars and lunches out most days while I was at work. They then started bad mouthing my daughter as I was home schooling her and my husband for not giving them money since I no longer had an income. Then there were the long time hanger on-ers . The so called friends that you were always there for but god forbid you ever needed them… In order to get some of my life back and to deal with the chronic pain, I needed to make some big time changes. With the help of going on an anti-depressantm I decided to clean house so to speak, People in chronic pain loose all their natural serotonin after a while of suffering. I got rid of mom and sis first of all. Paid for a moving company and flew them back to their home state three thousand miles away. I also stopped talking to about a dozen fair weather friends who were negative, self entit;ed and not very nice.. I now have a handful of friends and one sibling left talking to me. It’s wonderful. Only positive people who love me. One beautiful day while walking my dog I felt funny. As soon as I realized what it was causing me to feel so funy I felt tears coming on. Good cleansing, healing tears. That funny feeling? It was JOY! Just plain and simple joy. I cried because it was the first time in ages that I had felt this way. Joy. I knew then I was going to be happy again. Surround yourself with only the best of people. Positive nice funny and careing people, I get rid of anyone not good for me and everyone doesn’t have to like me. Block all those assholes writing nasty mean hateful comments. AFTER you tell them off. I am sorry this is so long. I didn’t know how to condense this where it would make sense to why I did what I did. This is YOUR blog! You can write what your heart wants whatever you want. There are nasty hateful little trolls on almost every site I go to. I got messaged the most vile hateful message I could imagine two days ago from a woman from Ontario. All because I asked her to be nice or leave on a Ptbull Rescue site I go to regularly! Everyone was swearing at her and telling her off. Mine was sent privately and was decent with no swearing or name calling. This message fromher called me every vile name in the book and ended with a hate filled rant against all Americans! I didn’t bother respinging. Obviously a mental case. I blocked and reported her. You have so many fans on here and they adore you. I adore you! Get rid of all those haters and just block them. btw, I never read other bloggers that pimp their stuff unless you are reccommending them. Then I will go check them out. This is more addressing Feb 11th post you wrote, You don’t have to post this. It is prettty damn long!!! (understatement!) Just an old woman trying to be helpful. Love ya sista! And your blog, your humor your wondrful articulate talented writing skills. You rock girl. And for Godssake you have Johnnys heart!!! <3

    • I adore you so Miss Sandy. I am sorry for all that you have gone through, but I admire the shit out of you for taking control and making the changes. Pull the weeds and let the flowers grow!!! Thank you for everything and all the smiles you bring me every day :) Love you. xo

  23. Ummm… yes, yes, and yes. I’ve almost completely avoided facebook since the election. It’s sad. There’s a fine line between expressing an opinion and being a big fat bully because you disagree.
    Lucy Ball (@LucyBall15) recently posted…I Dream Of BeaverMy Profile

  24. Oh my Jesus, don’t feed the herpes monster – YES! And I can say “Jesus” here, because in a post about tolerance and being nice, someone would look like a double-asshole for commenting that I’m being anti-religious when in fact, I obviously just needed to reference Jesus for a sec in appreciation of your hilarity. And xoxo on the PMS front – soooo relieved that mine isn’t the only PMS that’s getting worse.
    hollow tree ventures recently posted…As The Dollhouse Turns – What’s wrong?My Profile

  25. I LOVE THIS! Plain and simple…I love it! I am SO SICK of seeing the facebook herp spreading…what’s wrong with some people? I’ll never get it…but I get you and I love you, my dear! xoxo
    Katie@SomewhatSaneMom recently posted…Six Ideas for Lenten SacrificesMy Profile

  26. Lauri Gervasi says:

    Ahhhhhh so well said. Some people have herpes of the soul. U rock xo

  27. YES! And thank you.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] the recent herpes outbreak,  taking a ride on the Character Assassination Carousel, making an appearance to help my [...]

  2. […] ass and read it again.  If I still don’t find it funny,  I promise not to be a spreader of internet herpes and I will just move along.  I also promise to be an ambassador of funny and will make it my goal […]

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