Don’t Let the Guilt Get You

I screwed up.  Not in a “I used salt instead of sugar in those cookies” kind of screwed up.  More like a  ”I now feel like a total asshole mother” kind of screwed up.  It wasn’t over anything major, but to my fifth grade daughter it was kind of a big deal.  Now I have this immense feeling of guilt.  Mom guilt.  Different from any other guilt you will ever feel and it sucks.

This isn’t the first time I have dropped the ball on something.  I have forgotten to take someone to a birthday party, or missed that meeting about an activity.  I have forgotten to call little Susie’s mom to see if Susie can come over for a sleepover.  As parents we have unlimited opportunity for failure.  Every second of every day presents us with an opportunity to fuck something up.  There is no other job on the planet that you can enter into with absolutely no training whatsoever and then be left to deal with the pressure, the guilt, and the repercussions of not doing something right.

When I took that first job flipping hamburgers, I wasn’t allowed to start cooking the hamburgers right away. Hell no.  I had to master the potato peeling and onion chopping first. I had to be able to make perfect patties and golden brown french fries before I could be trusted with the spatula and a hot grill.  I received on the job training before being entrusted with the important tasks.  There is no on the job training that comes along with parenthood.  Sure, there are thousands of parenting books that you can peruse.  There are millions upon millions of magazine and internet articles that you can sort through and read.  Most likely you have friends or acquaintances that you can ask for advice.  The thing is, your parenting skills will be completely different from everyone else’s.  Don’t fall for the ideal of being the “perfect” parent.  You are just setting yourself up for disappointment.  You will be a GREAT parent, but there is no such thing as the “perfect” one.

At some point we have all royally screwed up something for our kids.  Maybe we have that day that we didn’t make the time to play that board game.  Maybe we forgot to write that letter of encouragement for them to read before their state assessment tests.  Maybe we were taking a few seconds to read an email instead of watching them go down the slide.  Maybe we were busy writing a piece for a book and didn’t spend the afternoon giving our kids scissors and glue guns. It doesn’t mean we love them any less or that we wish that they didn’t exist, it just means that we as parents are so consumed with trying to prove to everyone else that we can do everything when in reality we are drowning in our own sea of over scheduling and pressure to overachieve, present company included.

Am I a failure as a mother because my kids are currently parked in front of the television long enough for me to finish this post? No I’m not.   Do I feel a slight twinge of guilt that I am doing that?  Absolutely.  Does it mean that I am lazy parent who only focuses on her needs instead of the needs of her children?  No effing way.  It means that I deserve to take some time for myself.  To do the things that I enjoy and that make me a better mother.  It means that I have things that I  like to make time for besides wiping butts and playing Chutes and Ladders for the five millionth time.  It means that in order for me to be the parent that I need to be I have to take the time to tend to myself, even if that means locking the door just so I can poop in peace.

If you can honestly look in the mirror and say to yourself that you don’t have needs.  That you are the ideal parent.  That your sole purpose in life is to be the beck and call girl for your kids.  That you don’t ever make mistakes and suffer from mom guilt.  You are full of shit.  I mean, you have it oozing out of every orifice.  Instead of filling yourself with these unrealistic expectations, why not tell yourself that it is OK that you forgot to make that phone call.  That you aren’t ruining your kids if you let them have pop for lunch.  That it is OK that you forgot to do something.  That they won’t be traumatized for life if they have to go out into the backyard and play by themselves for fifteen minutes while you switch the laundry or eat that bag of M & M’s that you’ve been hiding in the cabinet.

We all make mistakes.  We all have the guilt.  We all have those days where we want to pack our bags and run away to the Bahamas with Johnny Depp.  Well, I do at least.  We can’t sit around criticizing each other and ourselves for the choices that we make for our own children.  We can’t constantly attack each other because we do things differently.  We can’t look in that proverbial mirror and beat ourselves up because we have those moments of doubt.  Because we forgot something.  Because we made a mistake. Because we just wanted to take a few minutes for ourselves.  Guilt will eat you alive if you let it.  We need to support each other despite our differences.  We must have the belief in ourselves that we are doing something right.  That we have one, or two, or five little people who think we are better than sliced bread.  That these kids will turn out just fine.  Have faith in YOURSELF.  You’ve got this.  WE’ve got this.

Faith

Have you bought the book yet?  NO??  WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR????  Talk about a good way to remind yourself that we aren’t perfect.  Go ahead and get a copy for yourself and feel free to get a copy for all of your mom friends too.  You will laugh, you may cry from laughter, you will definitely no longer feel alone.  All positive reviews will be sprinkled with glitter in celebration.  Get all the details right HERE. 

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. I have been planning to write a post on a big mom fail of my own. I found it’s really hard to look my failure in the eye and put it out in public, though. Your post gives me hope that it may not be as big of a deal as I think. Although I do owe my 1st grader an amends!
    Erin O recently posted…Irish in name onlyMy Profile

  2. My life is fueled by guilt! I try to contain the beast but it is what it is. I love this post- thank you for sharing that we all have those days!
    HouseTalkN recently posted…A Mom, A Joyologist and A StreakerMy Profile

  3. Very apt. I’ve been filled with guilt this week that I’m going to drop the ball somewhere. Thank you for this!
    Meredith recently posted…Mommy Guilt in Unexpected PlacesMy Profile

  4. Thanks for this post. I had one of those mom-fail days today too and was just thinking about this. Funny how I found your post today! Of course I knew I was not alone but it’s always nice to hear it again! Thanks so much!!

  5. Mature Canadian says:

    Thank you, I drop the ball all the time and today was an especially angst filled day. I hate Daylight Savings Time. It sucks balls and I have not adjusted my internal clock yet. I hope you get over your guilt and just enjoy your littles. I’m thinking they will forgive you before you forgive yourself.

  6. You always make me feel better you know that!
    I would run away to the Bahamas with you for a few days that’s for sure..
    xo
    DG recently posted…Parenting is Like Being on a Reality TV ShowMy Profile

  7. Good thing balls bounce back because we would all be screwed if they didn’t. The art is catching them on the rebound and giving ourselves a break in the process. Ellen
    Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms recently posted…5 Reasons Youth Sports Are Worth the Time, Sweat and Price TagMy Profile

  8. Guilt is something I struggle with every day as a mother. My mother taught me well. Thanks for the reminder. ;-)
    Lucy Ball (@LucyBall15) recently posted…It’s March So I Should Probably Write About LuckMy Profile

  9. Guilt seems to be a universal problem among women. I was a single mom raising three girls and I swear I did a lousy job. I tried my hardest, but it always seemed to fall short. One day I looked at one of my kids and said, “I know I’m supposed to be building self-esteem…just give me SOMETHING to work with.” Do you know how many years I dragged those words around? But, the good news? My oldest just got married and part of her wedding speech was how much she appreciated everything I’d done…and how she’ll do it the same. I tossed the guilt that day.
    Annie recently posted…The Lass Is Always GreenerMy Profile

  10. This was so honest and so ME! Thank you for writing the words that I’ve been feeling lately!!!
    whencrazymeetsexhaustion recently posted…I’m One Bad Mamma JammaMy Profile

  11. I just found your blog and this could not have been a post that I needed to read more! I have so been dealing with these exact emotions lately! Thank you for putting it all out there and making me feel normal and not like I am on some bad mommy island all by myself while everyone else is living it up on perfect mommy isle!!

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  1. [...] woman/man/parent if we just say we can’t do it right now?  Maybe it’s a little bit of mom guilt mixed in with that middle school mindset that we won’t be accepted if we don’t agree [...]

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