If I Worked at Facebook

I don’t know if you all have noticed, but lately Facebook has been so kind as to provide us with somewhat of a writing prompt every time we log on.  The same cycle of questions over, and over, and over again.  Questions such as these;

How are you feeling, Tara?
I feel like shit, thanks for asking.

What’s happening, Tara?
I’ve had too much coffee, I have to pee like a racehorse and my kids are constantly fighting over toys. Anything else you want to know?

Share what’s going on, YKIHAYHT.
I’m struggling just to get a new blog post written, I’m hoping to survive Christmas break without losing my mind or my liver, and I really need to clean toilets.

Share what’s on your mind, YKIHAYHT.
You don’t really want to know what’s on my mind, Facebook.  It’s probably not appropriate.

Really Facebook?  This is the best you can come up with?  If I worked there, I think I would have a good time just coming up with totally random questions to ask.  Why not ask questions that would really give some spectacular status updates? Ask the questions that really matter.  Questions like;

Who has really pissed you off today, Tara?

Well Facebook, since you asked, Lifetouch Portrait Studios is tops on my shit list lately.  Not only did I receive my pictures thirteen days after they were promised to me, but they couldn’t even produce the  pictures that I had originally ordered.  One would think that for as much as I paid for those incredibly overpriced pictures, they could afford to hire competent people to not only read orders correctly, but to answer my questions and give quality customer service.  Since apparently their supervisors cannot return phone calls, I get the pleasure of scorching some poor saps ear canals again this morning in an effort to get results.  All I want to do is mail my Christmas cards which now are more like Happy New Year cards that say Merry Christmas.  I will look like the dumb ass who forgot to order her cards on time.  Thanks Lifetouch.  Just when you think convenience pays, it smacks you right in the face and runs away laughing and leaves you wanting to remove someones balls with a plastic butter knife.

Who are you stalking today, Tara?

In all honesty Facebook, today I am stalking some of my fans.  Johnny doesn’t have a Facebook page, so I thought I would take my stalking to the people I adore almost as much.   I figure that I let them into my life, they should let me into theirs, even if it is without their knowledge.  They are all so damn good looking, and I promise I just want to get to know them a little better.  It isn’t my fault they don’t have their security settings on lock-down.  They do look like a fun group, it really is no surprise that they like to hang out with me.  I really think we could have one hell of a party if we all got together.  Somebody should really set that up.

Share a totally ridiculous picture of yourself so others can make fun of you in the comments.  People love making fun of you behind your back, why not let them do it where you can read it?

Well, OK.  I have no shame and I did happen to have a short make-out session with Johnny in Hallmark last night.  Sometimes we just can’t control ourselves.  It is so hard to keep our relationship, and my fabulous hairstyle, a secret.  On the plus side, at least I had a friend with me to take this.  I could have taken it in the bathroom mirror by myself, so remember that before you pass judgement.  And yes, I did have a FRIEND with me, I didn’t have to pay the salesperson to take it. I have friends ya know.

Share your thoughts on a popular and controversial issue so that those that think differently from you can publicly criticize you and your beliefs.

Gee Facebook, since you put it that way, please let me share my thoughts on religion and politics.  I love setting myself up for public humiliation.  It always brings out the best in people.  That sounds like about as much fun as putting my tongue in a meat grinder.  I once made the mistake of asking my friends if they preferred theirs real or fake (Christmas trees.  I’m talking about Christmas trees here you pervs), and you would have thought that I had asked them for their solution to the national debt.  I learned early on to avoid these topics like the plague, but thanks for the suggestion.

What kind of underwear are you wearing?

Very good question Facebook.  Right now, they are the dirty kind since I haven’t showered yet.  I’m not quite sure on my mood, so can I report back to you later on my decision?

Quit bullshitting people, what are you really doing today?

Damn you Facebook, how did you know I wasn’t out scouring the rainforest for endangered animals, or having a crafting party for fifteen of Mini-Me’s closest friends, or potty training PITA in less than six hours?  In all honesty, I’m still sitting here in my pajamas drinking my sixth cup of coffee.  My kids are running around naked, eating cookies and handfuls of M & M’s.  The laundry is about to revolt and I haven’t seen my living room carpet in days.  In a few minutes I am going to force them to put clothes on and sit them in front of the television for the rest of the afternoon while I take a nap.  This parenting gig is hard work.

Tell us the real reason you called in “sick” to work.

Honestly, I just didn’t feel like going.  I’m contemplating a career change and thought I would take the day to scour the internet looking at my options.  Instead I am sitting here on Facebook and will go back to work tomorrow and remember exactly why I hate my job.  I will then spend the rest of the day kicking myself in the ass for getting sucked into stalking, looking at ridiculous pictures, giving my political opinions, and reading totally fabricated status updates meant to make my friends look like the incredible parents that they aren’t.  Damn you Facebook.

Come on Facebook, let’s get creative. Let’s have some fun and really get people talking.  Isn’t that the point of social media?  My creative team and I are always available for consultation, just one little email away.
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In unrelated news, if you are an iPad/iPhone/iPod user, did you know you can add me directly to your home page?  It is easy peasy, lemon squeezy.  Just follow these simple steps and have access to all my new blog posts with the touch of your finger, plus have a little bit of Johnny to look at as well ;-)

1.  Open www.youknowithappensatyourhousetoo.com in Safari.

2.  Click on the arrow at the bottom.                                  3.  Click “Add to Home Screen

          

4.  Enjoy YKIHAYHT at the touch of Johnny’s face.  How awesome is that?

 

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. So I’m not the only one creeped out by Facebook asking me random questions? I love your responses! If I were a Facebook bigwig I’d totally hire you. ;-)

  2. Those prompts would sure make Facebook worth reading! I just skip through the real people crap and go straight for the blog ones, the ones where ya get the real story. I don’t want to hear “my devil spawns are driving me crazy” I want to hear that they made a racecar track out of sharpie and toothpaste, that’s real and hilarious and really only gets uptight people telling you to call the supernanny.aybe you should enforce an awesome meter. Have some sort of warning when you accept someone who would probably just outright suck. It would just save so much time in the long run- and prevent some of us some grief of filling out those forms because trolls flag our page once a week. As always, you do not disappoint!

  3. It’s very Hal 9000, right? Creeps me out too. xo

  4. I have to agree…if you’re going to invade my privacy and dig into my life, go ahead and dig for crying out loud….ask the real questions instead of the stupid ones!!

  5. Mine still isn’t asking me random questions. Perhaps I already share too much? ;)

  6. you are so freaking funny. I swear. How are we even friends? now, go change your underwear.

  7. I just love this post. I am your newest follower via this weeks TGIF blog hop. I would love it if you would swing by The Nifty Thrifty Family sometime. http://niftythriftyfamily.blogspot.com/

  8. Totally Hal, I wonder if FB knows it and is doing this mind control to force everyone to buy advertising?? Crazy, can I have some m&m’s please?

  9. You are hilarious! I was just laughing at the questions earlier today and then wondering how long they had been there and how oblivious I am?

  10. the weird random questions totally threw me! i’ve got a question for them – Uh, FB? Why the hell doesn’t my page have a feed anymore and why can’t I like things as my page??? What the hell is going on over there?
    But, hey, thanks for the ridiculous, creepy prompts.

  11. Oh how I wish you worked at FB. :) Ellen

  12. Woot! I got the icon thingy, Awesome! Cheers!

  13. This is awesome! I actually have a friend who works at facebook…..thinking I might have to show this to her! LMAO

  14. I also think it should ask questions from stuff we learned in school but thought “No one will ever ask me that?” Two trains leave from different stations at 11:11 am… Or Que es el tiempo hoy?

  15. I don’t like Facebook pretending to talk to me, but if it’s going to, I like your way MUCH better. Currently you’d think all the prompts were, “what are you eating,” “what are you about to eat,” and “what’s the most inane thing you did today?”

  16. There should be settings that let you determine the questions facebook asks your friends. Like for my friend sara, “Can you please talk about something other than your cat?” And for my friend Matt, “Would it be possible to write a status update in 50 words or less? Or at least turn off the all caps???”

  17. You are so funny! I think I need to get t-shirts made b/c I am hearting Lifetouch right now too–I’ll let you know when they’re finished. And love that Johnny insisted on a Hallmark make-out session ;)

  18. I was just noticing those “writing prompts” too. FB, go shit. I have better things to do than—what’s that? Tell you my secret wish? Don’t mind if I do, FB.

  19. Love this. My FB statuses have become so boring lately; I could have so much fun with prompts like these.

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