I’m Not a Medical Professional, but I Play One in This Post


Today I re-started my workout regimen.   Never fear, it isn’t a hardcore heavy-duty workout that will take away from my precious writing time, but it’s a workout nonetheless.   I  have been on a hiatus and ever since that break started all I have done is watch my middle rise like a batch of yeasty bread.  Since I am pretty sure it has risen until double in size, it is time to punch it back down, only this time I don’t plan on letting it rise again.  It’s only flat-breads from here on out.

I have missed running.  I never thought those words would come out of my mouth, but I miss the way it makes me feel afterwards.  You know, having energy.  Tight-ish abs.  Less junk in my trunk.  Less jiggle in the thighs.  You get what I’m sayin’.   I also miss those few minutes with just me and my music and my thoughts.  Whatever I want to listen to without having to skip a few songs due to their explicit nature.  Sorting out the various thoughts swimming about in my brain.

I think Mr. Nordic Track has forgiven me for taking such a long break from our relationship as he was remarkably kind to me this morning.  Too bad the kids were not as supportive of my endeavor, attention seeking little animals that they are.   As I was plugging along trying to ignore them, I came up with this list of suggested things to do before/during/after your workout.  I can only hope that it helps at least one of you.

Before the workout begins:

  • Decide you are going to actually workout
  • Have another cup of coffee
  • Answer a couple of phone calls while catching up on Facebook
  • Have a bowl of cereal
  • Pee
  • Have another cup of coffee
  • Switch the laundry
  • Read a blog or two
  • Pee again
  • Put your workout clothes on
  • Ask three-year old if they have to pee before you get started
  • Pee again (next time  consume less coffee)
  • Lock the fridge so that kids can’t sneak up and help themselves to a snack mid-workout
  • Answer another phone call
  • Pee again
  • Dig out treadmill from under pile of toys/clothes/junk
  • Try to remember how to turn on the treadmill

During the workout:

  • Make sure you turn on the treadmill.  This is very helpful.
  • Make sure you set treadmill on the right speed.  It is painful when you eat shit on a fast-moving belt.
  • Don’t forget to jump over the toys that the kids send down the belt. They like to test your cat-like reflexes.
  • Turn up your music.  It drowns out the screams.
  • Remember that dance-walking burns more calories.  This will also cause your children to shoot you odd looks and most likely cause uncontrollable laughter.
  • Don’t forget to stop the treadmill when you have to get off to take the three-year old pee because he didn’t go before you started like you asked him to.
  • Don’t forget to go pee when you take the toddler pee.  Your pants will thank you later.
  • Smile and clap for the four-year-old’s musical performance, which thanks to the headphones you didn’t have to endure since it involved a tambourine, jingle bells, and maracas.
  • Don’t push yourself too hard,  you will be required to move tomorrow.  As in your body.  Out of the bed.

After the workout:

  • Stretch.  This will help the movement that will be required later in the day.  While most likely this will be painful, especially to your psyche as you attempt to bend down and touch your toes and decide that your thighs are close enough.
  • Hydrate.  Preferably with water, but depending on the time of day of your workout your beverage of choice is totally up to you.
  • Take tea-party breaks in-between stretches.  This serves two purposes; 1.  you interact with your kids that you have been ignoring for the last thirty minutes, and 2.  it gives you extra time to get up from the previous stretch before moving on to the next one.
  • Give yourself a pat on the back for surviving another workout and try to fight the urge to stuff a couple of cookies in your pie-hole.

These are only some suggestions derived from my own personal experiences.  I do not claim to be a medical professional and can only say that I cannot accept any responsibility for injuries that may occur if you choose not to take these suggestions to heart.  I will also not accept any responsibility for any wet pants that occur due to either the ignoring of these suggestions, or from the laughter that you just enjoyed from reading this post.  I have enough laundry, next time invest in some Poise.





  1. Very interesting regimen unto the last detail. “Jump over the toys” this just made day. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Hahaha I LOVE this!!! xxx

  3. Dance walking, FTW! Do you sing lyrics out loud too?

  4. Your pre-workout regimen is mine to a “T”! Except for the 3-year old part. I’m past that stage. But I remember it WELL and give you accolades for giving it a go with little ones under foot. I used to get so frustrated from all the potty breaks and “Mommy I neeeeeed you!” that I would give up long before my “workout” was ever finished.

  5. I love a good continence test.
    About the screams you are drowning out with music; are they the kids’ or yours? : )

  6. I was going to ask you for suggestions on working out with kids underfoot, but I think I’ve got it: lots of pee breaks and tea parties. Maybe I’ll start working out again and have you to thank when I don’t get diabetes from Girl Scout cookies! As always, you’re a true inspiration ;)

  7. I need to get into the exercise routine. We moved a year ago Friday. Both the treadmill and elliptical, that I used religiously before moving, are still in the garage. We use them as a rack for the booster seats and wet coats. I am pretty sure there is an extra pound, or ten, sitting very conspicuously on my bod…

  8. Motivated. Thank you. My preferred choice of exercise, Just Dance 4. I have been ignoring it lately. OK for about 10 pounds. But I think I will go back now, if only to give my son a few laughs!

  9. I could get with the first 17 steps (mostly the before part).

  10. Excellent. I plan on getting reacquainted with my treadmill today, now that the musical is finally over. My two year old may have other plans, particularly, his sneaky way of standing behind the treadmill which fills me with neverending anxiety that he’s going to touch the treadmill, fall and scrape his face on the treadmill, get an article of clothing stuck in the treadmill, and causes me to only log in 5 minutes before I can’t take the anxiety any more. Hoping I can bribe my other 3 kids to entertain him in a separate room. Guessing that won’t work too well.

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