Secrets to Finding (and Keeping) That Special Someone

On this day fifteen years ago, Farmer Bob made one of the best decisions he has ever made.  He married me.  Pretty smart move on his part if you ask me.  He may have other thoughts on that, but since this is my blog and he hardly ever wants to give me any input on it you get my opinion only.  While it did take him three years of dating to firmly commit to this lifelong nightmare dream, I am quite certain that after this many years of wedded bliss he really wishes he would have just committed me.  I’ve been thinking about this post for a while now, and while I debated writing a sappy love story for you all I decided to skip the sap and go right for what I know best, sarcasm and humor. *Editors note, I am in no way a marriage expert.  This is what has worked for us, and we have made it this far so we must be doing something right.*

Here are some of our tips for finding (and keeping) that special someone:

1.  Always start dating your future husband after a good friend asks you to “talk to him” for her.  Seriously, it works.  When a sorority sister asked me to talk to Farmer Bob for her during some homecoming festivities, we were dating a week later.  Eighteen years later here we are.  Five kids, a house, a farm, it was destiny.  Never fear though, my Alpha Chi sister is also happily married now as well and we are still friends so it shouldn’t have any long term negative effects on your friendship.  Just beware that I cannot make any guarantees that your friend will still consider you a “friend” if you actually do this.  *Disclaimer; I don’t take any responsibility for the ruining of friendships in the pursuit of a spouse.*

2.  Always be drunk enough to not remember the first time you meet your future husband.  I don’t know if it was the slurring of the words or the incredible dance moves, but I must have made a lasting impression because Bob still talks about the first time we “met”.  I’m still a firm believer that he is making it all up because I don’t have an inkling of a recollection of this ever happening.

3.  Always fart in front of each other on your first date.  Might as well get it over with.  Everyone does it, and you’ll feel better if you just let it out, like Shrek says “better out than in”.  At least this way you can end that uncomfortable feeling not only in your gut because you really need to let one rip but you are holding it in in order to avoid that awkward moment when you actually do “express” yourself.  I’m not condoning to go all “Machine Gun Kelly“, but one discreet little toot can be quite the ice breaker.  Ladies, might I suggest you let him go first just to be safe and be sure you’ve had a few drinks first so that you can blame yours on your inability to handle your alcohol. Seriously, do it.  You’ll feel better in more ways than one.

4.  Go on a road trip with your future husband before you get married.  This should be required in order to even be given a marriage license.  Nothing tests a relationship like a  road trip to a destination hours away.  It doesn’t even matter what it is for, but you must make sure that your car breaks down while you are there.   If you can stay in a strange city, get stranded in front of a fairly famous persons home, manage to get a tow truck and your car fixed in a day, plus survive the drive back home without wanting to kill each other.  It’s a match made in heaven.

5.  Make sure that your husband has the same personal hygiene standards as you do.  If you don’t like to shave in the winter, make sure that the man is down with that.  There would be nothing more awkward than going in to your first winter time romp only to discover that Mr. Perfect isn’t too fond of mating with Sasquatch.  This can go the other way as well if you ladies are not big fans of the facial/back/chest hair.  These things have to be communicated ahead of time.

6.  Spend at least one night together prior to making any long-term commitments.  I don’t mean sleep together as in “doin’ the deed”, but do sleep together in the same room.  This is imperative in order to determine if you will actually be able to ever get a quiet nights sleep.  It is better to find out early on if your future spouse snores loud enough to wake the neighbors, or if you will actually be able to get some quality sleep for the rest of your life.  Or until you have kids.  Trust me, you will thank me for this one.  It could make the difference between using those extra pillows for head support, or for volume control.

7.  Pay attention to your future spouse’s housekeeping skills.  Do they have a bathroom sink covered in toothpaste?  Are they constantly trying to shove ten pounds of shit in a five pound trashcan because they are too lazy to take the full trash bag to the dumpster?  Do they know how to do laundry without turning all the whites pink?  Are they stackers? These are all key things to think about before signing any long-term contracts.  You do not want to be stuck with an adult child.  This leads to years of cursing under your breath while scrubbing poo splatter from under the toilet rim and scraping dried up toothpaste from the bathroom sink. And that is before you even have kids.

Dedication pays

8.  Make sure that your significant other is comfortable with your celebrity boyfriend/girlfriend. Savvy?  (See what I did there?)  Farmer Bob is constantly wanting to watch movies with random beautiful women in them. Every night it is a different woman and it makes it hard to keep up.  I swear that it is just a coincidence that Johnny is the lead actor opposite all these women. I keep telling him that if he could just pick one woman, it would make it much easier for me to keep track of the flavor du jour.  It is hard to support all his relationships with so many different women, so I like to think that Johnny and I are leading by example.  Loyalty goes a long way Bob, and I think Johnny and I are a prime example of that.

9.  Try to move at least half-way across the country at least once.  Preferably do this just as soon as the ink dries on your marriage license.  No really, nothing  like loading up all of your worldly possessions into a U-Haul and driving half-way across the country to see if you can survive.  It’s fun and everyone should try it at least once.  I would suggest not riding in the same vehicle during the move, for sanity’s sake.  Just this one very important detail can increase your chances of survival by one hundred percent.  If you can survive not only the move there but the move back home a few years later after adding at least one kid and a dog and you still like each other, you are kicking ass and taking names.

10.  I saved the best for last.  Whatever you do, you must make sure that you and your future/newly acquired spouse share a sense of humor.  What if you find farts to be hilarious and your girl finds them repulsive and disgusting?  What if you like movies like The Hangover and Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but your guy only prefers movies like Die Hard or Lord of the Rings?  Seriously, sharing a sense of humor and being able to laugh at/with/about each other is essential here.  How can you have fun together if you take all of the ups and downs of being together so seriously?  It is fine to laugh at the other when one  blows out their pants or has a booger hanging from their nose, just be sure to know your boundaries and make sure you can run faster.

These tips and tricks may not work for everyone, these are just the things that have helped Farmer Bob and I make it for fifteen (plus) years.  Just because they all worked out for us, I cannot make any guarantees that we know all the secrets for success.  I know we have a long way to go, but as long as we have each other (and our sense of humor) I think our future looks pretty damn good.  As long as he never asks me to move again.

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Comments

comments

Comments

  1. I did many of the same things maybe just not quite in the right order, must be why Evil Genius and I are still together after 13 years of insanity. For example, he was the one too drunk to remember meeting me. That also ties in to having a good sense of humor. Happy Anniversary! :-D

  2. I absolutely flipping love this ! And wish I had seen it two years ago! Congrats on the 15+ years!

  3. Happy.anniversary!!!

  4. Fart jokes can only bring you closer together because a family that farts together, laughs together, and a family that laughs together, well… when you’er all laughing then everybody has to smell it. Ah, bonding….

  5. Hilarious, yet excellent advice! Happy Anniversary!

  6. Happy Anniversary to you both! Papa Bear & I jokingly say we are “happily UNmarried”…lol. We both had miserable marriages prior to meeting. But four years & two kids later, we’re equally committed. Thought I’d share my version of why your list works for us…I’ll be brief.
    One: Neither of us talked to the other for a friend but we both stepped COMPLETELY out of our “norm” with each other & feel the most compatible with/to each other than EVER before.
    Two: Having met online, we still have very different memories if what happened first; whether he bought me dinner & drinks to help me get over my nervousness first or I “attacked” him on first sight. (Drinks first, then he “attacked” me…I was an angel prior!
    Three: We were leaving the restaurant on one of our first dates & he ripped one as another couple was approaching…looked at me & said, “Wow, Babe…feel better?” I coulda died…but lmao.
    Four: He came to Wyoming, loaded the U-Haul with the contents of my entire house after having developed pneumonia shortly after his arrival & drove it to Washington & I followed in my car.
    Five: I groom year round by my preference, he’s happy with me either way. He’s hairy…goatee & all, but neatly trimmed…& SEXY.
    Six: He snores. He says I “purr”…? I just try to fall asleep first.
    Seven: He hasn’t scrubbed a toilet but maybe twice in 4 years. He DOES, however, do “department store fold” on our laundry when he has time to help around work & although the garbage is a 50/50 deal I’ve just learned to pick my battles…department store fold TRUMPS garbage, lol.
    Eight: He loves Bettie Page…I get it. I love Shamar Moore…& even HE says he’s a good looking guy. Bliss I tell ya.
    Nine: I got 4 & 9 mixed up & am tii tired to switch it around but he made a road trip with my crazy sister to come see me & we made a few trips back & forth together before the move making the family intro’s & spending time. It was truly awesome.
    Ten: Once he broke wind & blamed me early on, I’ve been repaying him for years. I’ve had some MAJOR stomach surgeries & as a result, can pretty much fart on command. He’ll fart & try the “Dutch oven” laying in bed at night…I breath thru my nose & when he finally lets me out I’ve got a silent creeper waiting for him. We keep each other warm. Bliss I tell ya…unwedded, but committed bliss.
    (You don’t have to post this if you don’t want, it was more for your giggle than anything, but if you post it I AM showing him, lmao. Truly…many more years of happiness & love to you both…I’m a big fan!

  7. Happy Anniversary! Here’s to the next 15!!!

  8. Happy Anniversary!! Hubs and I celebrated Year 6 this summer and while there have been ups and downs, we are both still elated by the sound of a good fart. Success!

  9. Happy Anniversary! We always tell couples to handle an incredibly stressful situation together. If you can make it through that, you can handle everyday issues.

  10. Happy anniversary!

  11. If you can laugh you can survive all the rest, even, or should I say, especially the farts.

    Gotta know — who was the famous person’s house you broke down in front of? Ellen

  12. Happy A! You guys sound great together. However, I will NEVER knowingly pass gas in his presence. Just can’t go there.

  13. You.Are.Adorable!!
    Happy Anniversary to you and Farmer Bob! He & Johnny are lucky men to have an amazing and beautiful woman such as you :)

  14. happy anniversary! i am so passing these tips on when my daughters are dating age.

  15. Happy Anniversary!!!! Wishing you and Farmer Bob many more years together!

  16. Happy Anniversary! Wishing you and Farmer Bob many more years of wedded bliss!

  17. Anonymous says:

    Yay you and Farmer Bob!!! You’ve got it right with your list. I wish I would’ve been more mindful with mine when I said, “I do.” Shit got really boring after that! ;)

  18. lol!! yours really is a match made in heaven! happy anniversary!

  19. Happy Anniversary. I have to say I have done #9 and agree that it is a must! What better way to make sure you rely on each other only then to move away from all friends and family at the start of your marriage. It’s near six years later and we have moved home again with a marriage stronger than most.

  20. You need to repost this on Valentine’s Day, me thinks. Congratulations on hooking up til death do you part with the love of your life. xoxo

  21. The first time my boy farted in front of me, was during sex -mid pump. We both laughed for 10 mins. straight. Happy Anniversary!

  22. The first time my boy farted in front of me was during sex -mid pump. We both just stared then started laughing.

    Happy Anniversary!

  23. So funny, yet true. I actually met my husband b/c of my best friend’s flatulance. We were at a house party and she said, “Oh my god. I have to fart so bad. I think I’m just going to do it and blame it on this guy over here in the
    South Park tee.” We ended up getting married ten years later. Very romantic. We generally have the same sense of humor, but I must admit I despise Dr. Strangelove, one of his favorites. Ah well. You can’t get the perfect man. He lets me get away with less shaving in the winter.

  24. Happy Anniversary to you and Farmer Bob. With a hysterical woman like you by his side, what else could he need/want? Cheers to many, many more!

  25. Happy anniversary to a couple who has it all figured out. :) I laughed out loud at several of your top ten because my husband and I would say the exact same thing – move 5,000 miles away within the first year of marriage, road trip before marriage, talk to him for a sorority sister…I could’ve written this list! And we are now about to celebrate our 14th year of marriage so cheers to you dahlin’ because we obviously have our stuff together! ;) Found you through Bloggy Moms.

  26. If I ever get married again, I want my own bedroom. It’s not an issue if I can live with him, because I can sleep anywhere, it’s whether or not he can live with me and my snoring and bitching…lol.
    Jennifer recently posted…My 11-Year Old ‘Googled’ His Own Name TodayMy Profile

  27. It sounds like you have a wonderful marriage and that you are completely comfortable with your husband. I hope to have the same some day. :) Thanks for the tips!

  28. You had me at “…same personal hygiene standards.”

  29. Ha ha! I love #3 – hilarious! And I totally agree with #10 – essential.
    Kate Hall recently posted…Oh No He Di’int Gimme That GiftMy Profile

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  1. [...] is your favorite person that you road-tripped to Florida with for Spring Break in 1996?  The same sorority sister that I swiped Farmer Bob from.  At first I was afraid that it was a trap and that I wouldn’t return back home intact, but [...]

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