The Lone Ranger; A YKIHAYHT Review

Today is DVD release day, so I figured why not remind you as to why you need to buy this movie.  It will make a GREAT stocking stuffer (or early Christmas gift <hint, hint Farmer Bob>)

Editor’s (who also happens to be the author) note:  FYI: I’m not a professional movie critic, but I AM a professional opinion giver.

This may come as a big surprise to my long-time readers, but  I saw The Lone Ranger this weekend. Twice.  Oh yes I did.  I wasn’t going to write about it because if you peruse these interwebs you can Google that shit and find a review by every Tom, Dick, and Harry that experience actually write that kind of drivel for a living.  I broke down for the sake of “research” and did just that last night and I gotta tell ya, I was bored to tears.  BORED.  Stab my eyes out with an ice pick bored.  Movie reviews are snooze-fests.  So technical and usually the complete opposite of what I think, so it was then I decided why the hell not write something?  Surely I can come up with something a little more exciting than the crap reviews I read.  I can’t promise anything spectacular or even grammatically correct, but I can at least promise to try to make it more relatable and less technical.

The Lone Ranger

SEE THIS  MOVIE.  How’s that?  Too short?  Not descriptive enough?  You need more than that?  Read on.

When I go to a movie, I expect to be entertained.  I want to laugh/cry/scream/have my heart go all aflutter.  I want to imagine that I am actually IN the movie.   I don’t go for the complex plots and the outstanding costume design.  I don’t analyze character development or the historical accuracy of the script.  I don’t compare the actor’s performance in this movie to his performances in previous flicks.  It isn’t because I lack the intelligence to process it all, but movies are an escape.  A chance to exit my reality of wiping asses and stepping on Legos and to enter a world that I would never experience outside of a theater.   A couple of hours to forget about the two-hundred loads of laundry and five kids whining for more food awaiting me at home.  Some time to just  sit in a seat with my over-priced drink and the snacks I snuck into the theater in my purse and watch with the expectation of being entertained and the hope that I don’t have to get up to pee halfway through.

As I snuggled down into my comfy reclining seat (just after a good bladder flush), the lights dimmed and I anxiously waited for the previews for movies that don’t even come out until freaking Thanksgiving to end.  I have to be honest, I went into this movie blind.  I didn’t read any reviews, no script synopsis, nada.  I knew that I would have my ass parked in that theater no matter what, so all I had done to prepare was to watch the trailers and of course, as painful as it was <cough, cough>, I caught JD on a few late night shows.  That’s right, I’m playing the stupid card here.   Anywho, I went in blind.  Blind to the plot of the movie that is, I was quite visually aware of what I was going to be watching if you know what I mean <wink, wink>.  (Spoiler alert: Johnny Depp is shirtless through the entire movie)

Here we go, my seven (because remember, I suck at lists) reasons why you need to go see The Lone Ranger:

1.  Johnny Depp:  Duh.

2. The scenery:  When  I say scenery I’m actually not referring to Mr. Depp.  This movie makes me want to pack up all the kids, throw them in the car and travel west.  Yes, I said it.  Pack up all five kids and travel.  In the car.  Driving for hours.  Did I mention with five kids?  That is how beautiful it is.  Crazy beautiful.

3.  Armie Hammer:  He is perfect in his role as the Ranger and his chemistry with Tonto is remarkable.  He is also not too bad on the eyes.  Speaking of eyes, his are delightful.

4.  You will feel a range of emotions: You will laugh, you will feel fear, you will feel anger, your heart will palpitate, you will laugh some more.  It is a great mix, and to quote my friend I Want a Dumpster Baby, you will FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS.  You know, if you don’t have a stick up your ass which prevents you from doing so.

5.  The rest of the cast:  That’s right, there is more to the flick than just the Ranger and Tonto.  It would be a pretty pointless movie without the villains and all the supporting roles. With actors like Tom Wilkinson, Helena Bonham Carter, William Fichtner, and some pretty amazing animals, you really can’t go wrong.  Simply amazing chemistry.

6.  The music: The William Tell Overture.  Movie. Made.  The other music is fantastic as well but let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be The Lone Ranger without that one piece.  It brings a smile to your face,  makes your toes tap, and you heart skips a beat.  If it doesn’t,  you have a lonely, boring  heart that needs more music in it.

7.  Did I mention that Johnny Depp is the star?  I do not hide my admiration for, or my desire to meet, this man.  I am not about to sit here and analyze his role as Tonto.  I’m no expert on these things, nor will I ever pretend to be, I just know what works for me and this role works for me.   Contrary to what many critics say, it’s not Captain Jack, it’s Tonto and in my very un-professional opinion it is very well done.

If you want to be entertained for over two hours and escape the monotony of life, then GO SEE THIS MOVIE.  Will it sweep the Academy Awards?  Probably not, but those movies that do usually aren’t the ones that I like anyway.  If you are looking for a great movie that can run the gamut of emotions, go buy it.  If you like a western complete with a couple of charming heroes and a sense of humor, saddle up and go on the ride baby.     I enjoyed the hell out of this movie and I feel bad for the critics that didn’t.  It must really suck to not be able to sit back and truly enjoy a great movie because you are too busy analyzing every word, every part of the plot, every character, every song, every actor.  Sometimes it is just sitting back in a quiet room and allowing the music, the scenery, and the actors to take you somewhere far away from boogers and Barbies that makes a movie really spectacular.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” -Theodore Roosevelt

Just buy it.  You know you want to.

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  1. My wife and I agree with you whole heartedly. We go to the movies to escape and to be entertained and to be take away from our everyday normal lives. We want to get away from normal for awhile. And yes, we still like you after reading your review.

  2. With a witty review like that, what’s holding me back. Oh right, my husband and I haven’t agreed on movie selection since 1993.

  3. I’ll be honest. I was going to see this movie no matter what I read about it. I think JD is an amazing actor and his ability to convey humor in such subtle ways is amazing. Perhaps that is what people miss. Love your review. It was not snobby, it was entertaining. Perhaps you have a new career on your hands? It could subsidize your expensive soda you have to buy at the theater!

  4. I haven’t seen it but I completely agree!! I lose myself in a movie. I’ve said it for years – it doesn’t need to be realistic or great. It needs to make my mind go into it. That is all. You know I love you. :). Can’t wait to see you!! <3 Devan


    I am dying to see it and (not only because I have a life-size cut out poster of Johnny in my cube either) I was petrified you were gonna say it sucked.

    I’ve been staying away from reviews for that reason. It never fails…THEY love it, I hate it. THEY say it sucks, it changes my whole life.

    (Maybe not “whole” life, but you get it.)

  6. I saw it. I liked it, too. So that makes two of us.

  7. We saw it with the teens and loved it. GREAT to see as a family with older kids.

  8. “I’m a professional opinion giver”- I love that!!
    I can’t wait to see this movie. Johnny Depp became an honorary Comanche to prepare for this role. He took the Native American experience to heart and I think that’s what makes it so special. He also slept in his makeup. I read that in Rolling Stone magazine. Have you picked up your copy? He’s on the cover. I’m so glad you liked this. With our love for cinema and my love for DC and yours for JD, we should be the next Siskel and Ebert.

  9. Here’s what I want to know, would you have given it the same review had your hunka hunka burning love not been in it?

    Ha ha… either way, I can’t wait to see it! Thx for the non-boring review.

    • I would like to think so, but then again it wouldn’t be the same. I don’t think anyone else could have played his role as well as he did, and I’m not biased one bit xo


  1. […] After filling our bellies and putting the kids to bed we would finally have time to chat.  I would bring out the wine, remember that he doesn’t drink, rejoice because that means more for me, and we would stay up into the wee-hours of the night solving important worldly problems like why I am so inept at playing string instruments, why I fed PITA blueberries, and why so many critics disliked The Lone Ranger. […]

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