You Might Be a Parent IF…


You Might  Be a Parent IF...

You might be a parent if….

You can brush your teeth and hold your 3 year olds wiener while he pees.

You can brown up some hamburger, fix someone a drink, and cut up some veggies all with a baby on your hip and a toddler or two flailing on the floor because you aren’t fast enough with the milk.

You can stop mid-bite to go wipe someone’s ass only to come right back and resume business as usual.

You can whip up six dozen cookies at the last-minute when your kid tells you they forgot that they needed to take snacks for the school program….which happens to be tomorrow.

You aren’t afraid to catch vomit in your bare hands.

You can lay down on the couch and still know exactly what your kids are doing. With your eyes closed.

You take your kids out to dinner and you spend more time in the bathroom than you do at your table.

You can answer all their questions with movie quotes.

Big boogers no long scare you.  You will pick it and you will wipe it on your pants and you just won’t give a shit.

You schedule all well child checks months in advance so that you are guaranteed an on-time appointment but you can’t remember to schedule your yearly hoo-ha check.

You can’t remember to take your grocery list when you go shopping but you know exactly where Sally’s red sparkly headband is that she wore three weeks ago.

Laundry.  So much laundry you actually consider turning your home into a nudist colony.

You can play two different board games at the same time while catching up on your Words With Friends matches, and you manage to win them all.

Your most popular phrases are “get your finger out of your butt”, “we don’t eat boogers for lunch”, and “no, I don’t want to smell your fart”.

Your living room decor no longer consists of beer can pyramids and wine bottle trees.  Instead you discover non-commissioned works of art using mediums that you are certain should be removed by men in hazmat suits.

Your bathroom always smells like pee, no matter how often you clean it.

You can change a diaper in the dark and not leave any residue behind. Except for that shitty smell on your hands that can only be removed by amputation.

You can tiptoe through a bedroom at three in the morning and not step on a single Lego, but attempt it in the daylight and you are damning them all to the depths of hell.

You aren’t against taking a glass of wine and your tablet or smart phone or even Goodnight Moon into the bathroom and locking the door, whether you have to poop or not,  just for a few minutes of alone time.

You do laundry because hampers are full, not because you have a shirt that is dirty that you want to wear to the bar tonight.

You can discuss the contents of your child’s vomit over dinner and continue eating as if you are talking about rainbows and unicorns.

You do math homework.  Or at least you try.

You use glitter.

Most of your conversations are centered around poop, farts, burps, butts and boogers.

While we may not be huge fans of some of the things we do now (I for one am not a lover of vomit), we wouldn’t change any of it.  Except maybe the poo on the walls.


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  1. May favorites are lying on the couch & still knowing everything your kids are up to & scheduling the kids’ checkups but not your own annual checkup – although I must say I never schedule my kids doctors appt. months in advance. One year I forgot to schedule my kids appt. all together. They’re still alive. But I didn’t schedule my gyno for like 4 years (I’m still alive too).

  2. Way too funny! And yes to them all!!!

  3. I needed a laugh today, so thanks for helping out with that! :) Awesome post!

  4. You hit the spot with each one. Been there done that more than once. My favorite: going to the bathroom with my phone and any drink. I just sit on the floor until the banging on the door becomes unbearable…I usually get 5 minutes!!

  5. Love this, I’m always amazed at the butt-wipe mid-meal move. Years ago that would have left me gagging.

  6. Lying on the couch with my eyes closed and still knowing what they’re doing – yep! My favorite thing to say to my boys is, “Mom ALWAYS knows.”

  7. Dawn Bowden says:

    Hell Yes!!! And Holy Shit! I almost pee’d myself laughing so hard! You are one of the best. When I see “cloudy with a chance of wine” in my email box, I KNOW it will be a good time. This is soooo true. You are my secret BFF. Hug, hug…kiss kiss. I feel like I will sleep well tonight like I just had the big O. Truth be told I have not had the big O since I brought the peeing, pooping and vomiting love of my life into this world. Ahhhhh. Thanks. Goodnight.

  8. Uhm, yeah! Have you lived in my house? Have you seen me at dinner? It’s like you’re psychic. Oh wait, no, not psychic, just a Supermom of her own!!

  9. We must be on the same wavelength today. I wrote about multi tasking moms in my post today and then got You Are A Parent If in my inbox….what timing! I mentioned your post so perhaps some of my followers- aka, my mom- will be headed your way.

  10. How have I changed for the better? I thought I could multi-task before kids.

    OMG, I had NO IDEA what multi-tasking truly was!!!!

    And wiping butts and resuming eating dinner – so me! I LOLed at that one.

    Perfect list! xoxoxoxo

  11. I love these! I jotted down a few of my own when my son was younger (he is 22 now). My favorites are: You know you are a parent when “drinking responsibly” means recycling your soda can, and when “pulling an all nighter” involves a five month old with colic. :-) What would we do without our kids?

  12. This cracks me up! I think I have spent more time in the handicap bathroom with my two boys than in our own house!

  13. My son not only had to poop at every single restaurant we ever visited, but he also had to do a running commentary about its progress.

  14. I LOVE this. If you think nothing of carrying three bulging bags, 2 kids, and a coffee…


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